At 17, I am supposed to be in my prime. I am supposed to be healthy and strong,ready to take on the world.
But I am not.
Having a chronic illness has taken a lot of experiences away from me. Everything that I have experienced is blurred by doctor appointments, blood tests and medication. There are things that I feel unable to do, no matter how determined I am to try.
It feels like I am in a constant state of grief, yearning for the life that I once had, and the life I could have had.
I was told by people that I was “too pretty” to be sick or that I did not look sick. People had to see me pass out on the floor to understand the severity of my condition. Even then, people kept suggesting different “cures” to me after I told them about my genetic and chronic illness.
They told me I was just being pessimistic.
I was told by doctors and nurses that I was “too young to be in so much pain,” and my symptoms were dismissed.
My doctor suggested I try antidepressants and therapy instead of actually looking into the physical aspects of my pain. The more I went to my doctor’s appointments, the more I fought to have my voice heard.
This strenuous cycle went on for a very long time. I have had many small anxiety and panic attacks just waiting in the doctor’s office from the amount of stress and pain I was under.
I was constantly belittled by my doctor then referred to other doctors to try and figure out what was going on when my doctor realized that my condition was only getting worse.
My depression and anxiety spiraled out of control as I was more isolated than ever. I watched as all my friends were out and having fun whilst I stayed at home barely functioning.
All I wanted, at that moment, was to feel “normal” and “healthy.”
I felt like I always had to justify why I was in so much pain just so my doctors could take me seriously. Later I would find out that I was being medically gaslighted because of my age.
Medical gaslighting, a term Psychology Today describes as “the experience of having a medical concern dismissed or minimized,” is widely experienced by the chronic illness community. Many struggle to get seen or heard by their doctors and get the help they need.
I am very fortunate to have met a team of doctors who have put my health to the forefront of each appointment, rather than my looks and age. I was finally being heard, and I was never more relieved.
A diagnosis may be scary and life changing, but I was incredibly happy to finally have a label to all of the pain that I was feeling. I knew that I could finally move forward and find treatment that can help offset the pain that I will always feel, in one way or another.
Getting a diagnosis has changed my life.
People still tend to comment about how I do not look sick and how I am too young, but my diagnosis has made me feel less alone.
I am 17, and I will inevitably know the life of sickness more than I’ve lived the life of being “healthy” .
While it does sadden me to think about my illness in comparison to how I used to be healthy, I have seen the chronic illness community talk about their experiences and diagnosis which have made me feel less alone.
Being chronically ill has changed many aspects of my life, but it has only strengthened my passion for advocacy in the chronic illness community.
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