To many of us, February 14th is an entire day dedicated to expressing our love to that special someone. As ladies, we look forward to being swept off of our feet and being adorned with chocolates, flowers, jewelry, and all the lovey-dovey things. To narcissists, it’s a field day where they will use just about every romantic play in the book to keep their partner lured right in. It’s in their nature to do whatever it takes to get their own needs met even if that means exploiting others. This holiday can be a sweet beginning to a relationship that can turn bitter.
Imagine meeting someone that is beyond loving, caring, and affectionate almost so that they might have you thinking they could be the one. It’s only been a few weeks since you have started dating but he’s confessing that you’re the love of his life and that he has never met anyone like you.
The response to this might be to jump ship or to walk straight ahead as you are clouded by the feeling of falling in love. New relationships are exciting, there are butterflies and promising potential so it may feel like there’s no reason to ring an alarm.
Social media, texting, and facetime make constant contact extremely easy ensuring that this person can shower you with affection and attention. Before you know it, you may be so far deep into a relationship that you had originally thought was going to be taken slow.
Psychology Today explains that narcissism encompasses, “a hunger for appreciation or admiration, a desire to be the center of attention, and an expectation of special treatment reflecting perceived higher status”.
When a narcissist gets into a relationship they will use their partner to achieve these things. A relationship involving narcissistic emotional abuse typically involves a pattern and cycle that will go through three stages: idealization, devaluing, and discarding.
If you happen to be in the idealization stage on Valentine’s Day, they will have studied their playbook, learning all that they can about you so that they can make sure that this is the best day for you. This stage often includes a phase referred to as “love bombing”, in which the narcissist will smother the person with praise, affection, gifts, and promises for the future. Although this sounds sweet, it is a tactic used to make the victim feel like they are in a real-life fairy tale.
Love bombing is a form of conditioning and for abusers, it can be an effective tool in order to exercise control over a partner. It is especially useful for them to break down your walls and move you quickly into commitment. When we are love bombed we are conditioned to believe their declarations of love without seeing the manipulation.
As mentioned by Licensed Social Worker Andrea Schnider, “The emotional high can feel like a drug cocktail as potent as cocaine, heroin, and ecstasy, all rolled into one noxious dose that lasts a few weeks, months, or in some cases a year or even more”. Love bombing can make you experience feelings so intense that it replicates a high. This person has completely sold you on this idea of a perfect future for both of you.
As the relationship progresses you may find yourself in the devaluation stage, where the perpetrator will withdraw their kindness. For the victim, it can be traumatizing and extremely heartbreaking to experience. To a narcissistic abuser, these acts of kindness and gifts were only used for what they could get from you.
They may have only seen the relationship as a transaction. Oftentimes, the narcissist will begin to subtly devalue their partner by putting them down, lacking emotional and physical intimacy, and disappearing from contact. It can even go as far as the person blaming their partner for their issues as a form of projection.
If you happen to be in this phase of the cycle during Valentine’s Day you will see that the golden period has ended. You’ll be lucky if they acknowledge the day or come bearing gifts or affection. If you show signs of disappointment or go confront your partner they will backfire and turn it into a problem you’ve created.
They might even gaslight you by telling you you’re insecure or they don’t need a holiday to show that they love you. Relationship expectations will be used against you, provoking you to feel negative emotions and reactions. Suddenly you’re accused of acting crazy for reacting to their abuse.
In the final stage of the cycle, the person with narcissism will discard their partner who originally served as a fuel source for their ego. It’s difficult to resolve problems with this person when asking for compromise, empathy, and boundaries lead to false promises or lack of effort. Once the narcissist has lost interest in their target they will either disappear or stage a breakup. It won’t be long until he finds a replacement and a new target to begin a new cycle.
As you go on your Valentine’s dates be on the lookout for love bombing. If you feel like you are being pressured in any way, remember that there is nothing wrong with slowing down, taking a step back, and reminding yourself of your boundaries. Use your judgment to decide if you are comfortable with how the relationship is progressing. If you have been in a relationship where this sounds like a similar situation, listen to yourself and talk it out with someone you trust. An outside perspective can sometimes be an eyeopener to recognizing the signs of abuse.
Remember that although there may be affection today, abuse can happen tomorrow.
Have you ever experienced a love bombing situation? Let us know your thoughts by tagging us @HercampusSJSU!