Heartbreak doesn’t discriminate. You’re either together or you’re not, you’re either “talking” or single, you either commit or you don’t. There’s either a label or there’s not on the relationship and the in-between thing is the worst part. How do you know boundaries? What’s okay and what’s not? In my situation, I was the one who couldn’t commit. It’s the generation we grew up in where people cannot commit to each other and the lines are incredibly blurred on what the relationship is and isn’t. And even when there’s no real dating and it just fizzles out — the pain is still the same. One day you’re emotionally invested in someone and then the next it’s over and you’re expected to be okay. Coming from someone who is completely invested in emotions and feelings, this was so hard for me. Even though I knew I didn’t want a relationship and it wasn’t going to go anywhere, I was heartbroken after because I had to let go of hope. The hope of what it could’ve been and finally giving up a relationship that potentially could have gone somewhere; even though I knew it wasn’t going to. Coming from a girl who struggles to let go, here are my truths to trying to get over someone you didn’t date for all my gals and hot men out there:
1) You’re left mourning a relationship that wasn’t real but you’re missing the person like it was.
Whether it was love or not, feelings are valid and come to surface at the worst time possible, so make sure you let yourself feel during the mourning period. You don’t need to justify your feelings.
2) Don’t let anyone give you their input or make you feel guilty for how you’re choosing to cope, what you feel or the relationship itself.
It’s not a real breakup but it feels like one. You find yourself crying over stupid little things, constantly replaying moments and what you could’ve done better in your head, you’re awake at 4 a.m. contemplating whether this is the right decision or why he/she ended this fling or whatever it was with you. You miss them. More so, you miss the attention, your phone constantly going off and the thought of what could’ve been. But, through all this, do not ever let anyone tell you that this wasn’t “real” or it wasn’t really a breakup so you need to move on faster. It feels awkward and weird to express it publicly because you don’t want people questioning why you’re so sad over something that wasn’t even a real relationship. And trust me, the pain feels exactly the same when you didn’t date.
3) The truth of having to act normal around them.
Whichever one of you called it off, it is still hard to have to see them and having to smile and be polite and act like nothing happened. I know how much it hurts and you constantly replay everything and wonder if you said the right thing, if you acted the right way and what the other person is thinking. Do they think about me at all? Are they sad? But you try and be strong and try to move on by acknowledging them and being nice but pushing everything else down. And man, does that hurt.
4) Not being able to explain what you’re feeling.
I know it’s almost impossible to pinpoint what you’re feeling. One minute you’re fine and know you’ll be okay and the next you’re looking for their car in the parking lot and wondering when you’ll see them next. This should be easy to get over, this shouldn’t matter anymore. But remind yourself that even if you were the heartbreaker or got your heart broken, there’s always strings attached and there’s always some sort of feeling there. And if you’re like me and tried to tell yourself how you didn’t seriously want this person–remind yourself that there’s always going to be a part of you that questions the validity of that. But also remind yourself that it’s okay to feel what you’re feeling even if you can’t understand it. It takes time.
5) This one is personally my favorite: the part in the ‘moving on stage’ where you want to scream at this person.
You want to scream and cry and yell at them for taking a piece of your heart. Because let’s face it, no matter which person ended it, you got a piece of your heart taken by them. You want to scream at this person for making you sad, wasting your time, for losing yourself in them, and for mourning something that wasn’t even technically real.
6) Finally letting go and moving onto someone who will make you HAPPY.
I have been telling myself this for the past few weeks. I need someone who is going to make me happy. And as for your heartbreak, you will return to who you were before this fling soon enough, you need to give yourself time to let go emotionally of what could’ve been. Feel things deeply, cry if you need to, pull away without explanation, whatever you need to do to cope. You deserve someone who loves you and a real relationship. Letting go is the best part, even when you struggle with it. It’s a learning experience. Soon, you’ll find someone who actually makes you happy, who you’re not forced to pretend you like, or who actually cares. You are so worth it. Don’t worry, you will be back to your amazing self soon enough. XOXO
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