I tend to casually see people or be in defined relationships with labels and all that jazz. I love the excitement of getting to know someone new on a deeper level, and I become emotionally attached quickly.
Alternatively, I also struggle with commitment and can become a toxic partner so that whoever I am seeing ends the relationship instead of having to be me who ends it. This is a pattern I’ve come to notice and am not proud of.
But just before the pandemic started, I ended a long-term (year and a half for reference) relationship and have been single ever since.
‘Single’ is a term I struggle with.
Do I talk to people? Yes.
Have I downloaded dating apps? Yes.
There are many ways to define and interpret the experience of being single, and this just happens to be how I choose to explore it.
I want to say this is the most single I have been for an extended period of time and have learnt so much. There are benefits to being on my own that I hadn’t had the chance to explore, but I knew I had wanted before while I was in relationships.
The first example that comes to mind is independent routines. This is not to say that I lost myself as a person, and my life revolved around my partners. However, there is always a certain amount of consideration given to another person’s schedule and wants in relationships. And I did enjoy having someone to make dinner with or wake up next to. But now, it’s all up to me! What I enjoy the most is the added headspace I have now that I don’t have to calculate if my schedule matches up with someone else. Add that I currently don’t leave the house thanks to the pandemic, I know what my day-to-day life looks like. I also have the time for things I enjoy doing for myself, like journaling, reading, and creating routines and habits, that weren’t possible when I spent every other day with someone.
I also get to be myself. In the past, I have dated very extroverted people. I think I am drawn to them because they are fun and outgoing – characteristics I enjoy. But it also meant that I had to socialize with their friends, which did not work well with my social anxiety. Now, I don’t have to worry about socializing with others or doing activities for other people because it makes them happy. I can do things I am comfortable doing or interact with people I am comfortable with. I have learnt what my boundaries are and how to respect them.
Lastly, I get to explore what it means to be single. I am taking time for myself to go to therapy to understand why I become anxious in relationships. I am exploring my sexuality and relationship preferences. Through self-reflection, I am able to see patterns in past relationships,
and maybe monogamy isn’t suited for me. I am exploring myself and the liberation in that is amazing.
To all who are happy in relationships, congratulations. But to all of you out there who are exploring different ways of existing, whether through being single or casually seeing people or whatever you want to do, I hope you are also finding empowerment in that.