There are a lot of different things that are associated with virginity and sometimes women can feel pressure or fetishized because of it. SFU women weigh in.
There is always so much confusion around what defines losing your “virginity,” and growing up it was ingrained in my head that only vaginal penetration counted as actual “sex.” As I’ve matured and become more educated online and at school about how this idea of “virginity” is actually very heteronormative, it has taken me a while to realize that the time I did anal when I was 15 to avoid “losing my virginity” because of the stigma around female sexuality was really a bunch of BS because anal is definitely sex. The boy I did anal with was a way better person than the one I always said I lost my “actual virginity” to at almost-17 anyways, but honestly I believe virginity is a ridiculous concept meant to control women.
Sex is intimate — I think the first time should be with someone special and who you feel comfortable with. Virginity should not be an indicator in how valuable someone is. You can value abstinence or sexual experience, but neither should be ridiculed which is often shown in media.
-FCAT
It merely means you haven’t had sex yet. The definition on what that means is different for everyone. when I lost my virginity, I didn’t feel pressured or bad. All I wanted was for the occasion/memory to be a happy one. But I still feel that way about sex. Losing my virginity was only “scary” because it was unknown to me and I didn’t know what I was doing; I was just nervous. The idea that virginity is something you need to present/give away to someone so that they respect you more makes me cringe… What a gross way of thinking. I have zero judgements for how often/how/why other people have sex because I think it’s personal, means something different to everyone, and is a means of expressing a part of yourself, but for me, I have always had sex with people I loved. I haven’t experienced something as wonderful and intimate and heat-warming as having “i love you” sex, which is what my first time was. I did not stay with that person, and my current partner doesn’t value me less because i wasn’t a virgin when we started dating. I think if we made less of a big deal about virginity, then people could have better experiences with self-esteem, have healthier views on sex, and begin to find their true value in their actions as a person and not a tainted object.
-FASS
Sex isn’t important enough to change anything about me. Virginity in my experience is a (heteronormative) way of shaming women. A social construct.
I’ve always felt like as a girl, there’s so much pressure and judgement around losing your virginity. There’s pressure to wait until you’re older but also to lose it when your young otherwise you’re a prude or just not cool. There’s so much significance attached to your first time. It has to be the right guy, the right time, the right place. But the truth is the first time can be “messy“. My first time wasn’t perfect. It wasn’t the right guy and it wasn’t the right time for me, even though I was already 18. I felt rushed to lose it because I was already 18 and I didn’t want to be judged for that. And after I felt ashamed that it wasn’t perfect. It took me awhile to realize that the first time isn’t the most important. It’s the joy, adventure and experiences that come after when you develop who you are sexually.
-Science
I think it’s an outdated concept that holds too much value in society. There isn’t really a difference between a Virgin and a non virgin, and it can be such a source of shame. #abolishvirginityruleS
-FASS
I remember I initially thought I had to wait quite a while before I lost mine because by losing it I would become ‘dirty’, but then I was like ‘wait a minute, screw that’ and actually questioned why I thought that. I hate/don’t get why virginity has so much value attached to it. Like, let a girl live (or anyone for that matter).
-Environment
I used to think virginity was a huge deal, and I had to be dating someone in order to lose it in order to not be a ‘slut.’ However, this was back in high school. I refrained from having sex all throughout high school, mostly because I was worried about the pain of my first time. It wasn’t until I was 19 that I did lose my virginity, and ironically, I was not dating the person I lost it to. In my mind, it proves that an individual needs a certain about of mental maturity in order to partake in sex. Although, my thoughts on age, and whether or not someone is in a relationship when it comes to sex have changed drastically.
-FASS
Between the Sheets is an series where SFU women can be empowered through reading the thoughts and experiences of women like them, and anonymously contributing their own! We deserve a space where we can feel comfortable and confident with expressing our sexuality (regardless of how sexual we are), and it’s time we make one.
Thank you to all the women who sent in their responses this week. Come back next week to read about sexual discomfort/pain! You can send in anonymous responses and requests here: https://goo.gl/forms/4A7aJVedLfv3z3ZU2
Check out the last one here: https://www.hercampus.com/school/sfu/between-sheets-kinks