Breakups are always hard. That much is a fact. Any of us who have been in a relationship before, and subsequently had that relationship end, know that feeling all too well. Breaking up is terrible, and it can lead you through a rollercoaster of emotions that never seem to end.
I have had three major boyfriends in my life. In hindsight, breaking up with the first two wasn’t that bad. In both of those cases, I was sad that I no longer had anyone to hang out with, but wasn’t all that bummed at the thought of not having either of them in my life anymore. I am sure that many ladies out there have experienced the same thing. Being alone is hard, especially if you haven’t alone for a while, but you can bounce back pretty quickly. But my last breakup was a completely different story, for a number of reasons. It was the first relationship in which I was an adult, not a teenager. It was my first really serious relationship that spanned some of the most formative years of my life. It was also the first where there were serious talks about marriage, to the point of ring-shopping. So when it ended after four years, not with a bang but with a whimper, and I had moved out the last of my stuff back into my parent’s house, I was not prepared for the feeling that bombarded me over the next four months. Now that I can look back with some semblance of clarity, I can definitely see a pattern to my feelings. So here is my take on stages you might go through after ending a serious relationship.
Once the dust had settled, all I felt was anger, and it leached out into all facets of my life. I snipped at my parents and siblings, was indifferent to my friends, and short-tempered at my job. My friends and family didn’t deserve my ire, but I was just so angry at him and at myself that that fire seemed to spread to everyone that I came in contact with. It is at this initial stage that your anger towards your now ex is at its worst. You think the worst things imaginable about them, and on the surface, think that you have done nothing wrong. It is entire ordeal is their fault, and they are the ones have upended your life, and they deserve every single bad thing that is coming to them. But, at least for me, there was a piece of that anger that was directed towards myself. I was angry at myself for being vulnerable and for caring so much. I was also angry at myself for failing, and I think that a lot of people end up feeling the same way. When a relationship that has lasted for so long comes to an end, it is so easy to feel like you in some way failed, and it is easy to be angry over that failure, and stew in that anger towards the world rather than face any other feelings.
However, the anger doesn’t last forever. One day, I found that my anger was fading, and I felt an air of indifference settle over me. This is a time which I like to call the “It’s fine phase.” I told myself and anyone who asked, that I was over the whole thing, and was in fact ready to move on. It is at this point that you try and convince yourself that it was for the best. You tell yourself that the relationship obviously wasn’t working, and that really, everything has worked out for the best. This is when you grab your phone and finally download Tinder, searching for the next person to fill that hole in your life that you refuse to admit actually exists. The problem though is that things aren’t fine – at least, not yet. You can swipe through hundreds of pictures and go on dozens of dates, and nothing will feel quite right. There is this lingering feeling of wrongness that pervades, and it won’t go away until you face up to some of those harder emotions you have been avoiding.
Once you have gone on some dates, only to realize that nothing is sticking, and that you would rather cut off your own arm than have to type the same monotonous introductory words to another face on Tinder, that is when the sadness and hopeless sets in. The anger has fizzled out by this point and now…all that’s left is heartache. This is when you start to remember all the good times the two of you had together, and the plans you made together that now are never going to come to fruition. I personally got really lonely. Who was I going to talk to about feminism in the Marvel Cinematic universe? Who was I going to watch terrible Netflix shows with? The whole weight of realizing that that person is no longer there to share your life can be crushing, and it tends to dawn on you quite a while after the breakup has happened, which leaves you feeling just raw and vulnerable all over again.
It is at this point that the second guessing starts to come into play. At least it did for me. I started to second guess that final decision we made as a couple. What if we made a mistake? What if we were meant to be together? These are gut-churning questions that only serve to heighten your anxiety, but they just won’t stop coming. Then you start second guessing yourself. What if I had been supportive? What if I hadn’t said this, then maybe that wouldn’t have happened, and we would still be together? I think everyone asks themselves these questions, and freaks themselves out with their own conjectures, which only serves to make us feel horrid again. I feel like the second guessing and sadness go hand-in-hand in a rather vicious circle. You feel sad, so you start to second guess yourself, and that second guess in turn makes you feel more sad.
However, most people don’t relish the idea of being sad forever. I know I got pretty sick of my own attitude after a while. I don’t like being sad, and I don’t like feeling so bad about myself all the time. I think there comes a point where we just pick ourselves back up, and try and move on. In order to do that, I think that you need to find yourself again. After being in a relationship for so long, I think your identity becomes synonymous with your partner’s. So much of what you did was as a couple, and your likes and dislikes often reflected your partner’s. In order to be happy again, and break out of that cycle, you need to find things that you like to do, and get involved again. My own outlet was writing. I had always liked the idea of writing, but had never gotten involved with anything before. So I started writing poetry and magazine articles, and it turned into a great avenue for me to be creative. Best of all, it was mine. Maybe yours is fitness, or music, or reading. What matters is finding things to do that make you feel like you again. Not you plus another person. Just you.
After a period of trying to like and enjoy your own presence again, acceptance of the situation finally comes. Maybe that takes a long time, and maybe it doesn’t. But it will come eventually. I believe once you figure out who you are again, it becomes easier to move on. You can see you in the mirror again, and therefore it is easier to potentially see yourself with another person, a new person, with a whole new world of possibilities attached to them. You might not want to get involved with another person right away, but what is important is that you can see whatever future you want for yourself, and one that isn’t dependant on the presence of another person.
To quote everyone’s favourite break up anthem queen, I don’t know if I am “out of the woods” yet, but I am now in a place where I am happy with myself once again. Maybe there will be another breakup phase that I have yet to experience, but right now, I am happy. Who know what is going to be in store, but I can see a future for myself that is great, and am looking forward to what is coming up for me. And I think that is all that I can ask for.