Recently, I had a friend remark, roughly, this statement: “I’m so sex positive at this point, I could walk in on two people having sex in the common room and not have a problem with it.” My response was to say that I would be particularly uncomfortable with people (friends, roommates, or otherwise) having any sort of sexual encounter in the common room because that it not what it is designated for; the idea of a common room (and my own certainly falls under this category) is a space where any resident should be able to go any time to relax, do homework, or just simply be comfortable. If there were a space in a house or residence hall that was designated as a common sexual experience room, my attitude about this space would change.
This conversation got me thinking about body shaming, slut shaming, and the misunderstood concept of sex positivity. I am sure my friend, in expressing a sex positive attitude, had the best intentions, but thoughts like this cause many people to question and have misconceptions about sex positivity. Sex positivity does not equate to the pleasure-maximizing and sexually-free philosophy of hedonism. Sex positivity, at its core, is meant to eliminate the shame that is associated with bodies, accept sexual differences and combat sexual violence.
Carol Queen, sexologist extraordinaire, offers her definition of sex positivity as: “Sex-positive, a term that’s coming into cultural awareness, isn’t a dippy love-child celebration of orgone – it’s a simple yet radical affirmation that we each grow our own passions on a different medium, that instead of having two or three or even half a dozen sexual orientations, we should be thinking in terms of millions. ‘Sex-positive’ respects each of our unique sexual profiles, even as we acknowledge that some of us have been damaged by a culture that tries to eradicate sexual difference and possibility. It’s the cultural philosophy that understands sexuality as a potentially positive force in one’s life, and it can, of course, be contrasted with sex-negativity, which sees sex as problematic, disruptive, dangerous. Sex-positivity allows for and in fact celebrates sexual diversity, differing desires and relationships structures, and individual choices based on consent.”
As Laci Green outlines in her article “What is ‘Sex Positive’?” , there are many myths about sex positivity as a careless and reckless life style. Sex positive folks are often shamed as sluts and whores, supporters of horrible acts such as pedophilia and bestiality, anti-religious, and bastions of objectification. Sex positivity aims to create a dialogue about bodily and sexual diversity in order to eradicate stigma. Sex positivity does not encourage promiscuity, but encourages proper education and personal choice. Sex positive people also put heavy emphasis on the necessity of consent, ensuring that all people have full rights and control to their bodies and helping to eliminate sexual assault. One of sex positivity’s main tenants is personal choice and emphasizing whatever paths make each person feel comfortable in their own skin. Sex positivity does not promote any of the hedonistic myths that are sometimes associated with it, and when used in practice is very educational and reasonable.
While folks that support this school of thought do aim to create a positive attitude surrounding sex, they do not wish to liberate every person and environment to sexual frivolity. A sexual space is not always a safe space for everyone. Sex positivity needs boundaries. Just as people require consent for sexual activity, shared environments and spaces need set rules that all sharers of that space agree upon. In practice, sex positivity can create more purposeful and safe environments for college students by promoting safe drinking habits, safe sex, or setting up parties in a way that allows for many different kinds of interactions based on what a party-goer is looking for. In parenting, too, sex positivity can create affirmative attitudes about sex from an early age and lead to children having much healthier development. Teaching your children to know and appreciate their bodies and sexual capabilities reduces or eliminates shame, while instilling the idea of boundaries is an education in respect, personal space, and active conversation.
Sex positivity is a great ideology, working toward a society without sexual shame or assault. It does not conform to a hedonist, sexually free attitude. Sex positivity is good for all people, not just women, not just feminists. Respect, which often means boundaries, is also good and necessary for every person. Hedonism is a lifestyle that many individuals may choose to follow, but it should not be used in relation to sex positivity. Sex positivity should not be feared or bashed for being pleasure maximizing, but celebrated and practiced regularly for being innovative, safe, and considerate of individual experiences.