Life’s a bitch, and then you die. That’s how the saying goes, right? We are born alone and we will die alone because as far as anyone can know, we can’t prove that there’s more after death. For some, there’s great comfort in that. Read Emily Dickinson’s poem “Because I Could Not Stop For Death” and you’ll see the idea that death can be seen in a way that celebrates life even though it takes us away from that. Death is part of what makes life so valuable.
Personally, I like to believe that there’s nothing after death, nothing beyond this life. If I’m wrong, then it’ll be a nice surprise. But if this is it, and if there isn’t an inherent meaning or purpose to our existence, then our naturally social disposition leads me to conclude that we create meaning for our existence through social connections. We should then take the time, care, and intention to form friendships and relationships in which we truly connect, in which we feel like we really do belong, not that we are simply being tolerated.
One of the hardest parts about being alive is when we find ourselves struck with the horrible, sickening experience of loneliness. Loneliness, isolation–they are powerful feelings. Otherwise why would cultures have made a practice of ostracization? Why else would we think that solitary confinement serves as a viable threat within our prison systems? Humans are naturally social creatures; the idea of isolation is terrifying to us.
Part of why feeling lonely is so painful is because when we feel like we can’t turn to anyone or that we have no one, it situates within us a strange sense of rejection. Perhaps we have no one because no one likes us, or no one wants to be around us, or no one quite understands us. Communication is key for creating understanding, one of the primary ways we foster connections. When we don’t feel understood, we don’t feel like we can connect, and a lack of connection directly relates to feeling alone in this world.
Forming connections and strong, worthwhile relationships is not only a vital process–it’s an imperfect one. That is something I personally struggle to remember. In a growing relationship, you will encounter roadblocks and obstacles. You will both likely hurt each other at some point (by which I mean you might accidentally hurt each other’s feelings. This is not excusing abuse). That doesn’t mean the end of things or that you weren’t meant to be; it marks an opportunity to learn, grow, and strengthen the bonds of your relationship.
Feelings of isolation and loneliness can amplify as a result of improper or poor communication. If, like me, you tend to find yourself feeling terribly alone, the chill of isolation creeping through your marrow until it feels like you’re already decaying from the inside out, it is essential to remember that you can reach out. Whether it’s as basic as texting your best friend to say, “Thank you for being in my life, I love you so much,” to as big as driving home to hug your parents because human contact can be exponentially healing–do it. As I said before, communication leads to connection; if you’re overwhelmed by feeling alone, try to talk to someone you care about or who you know cares about you.
Ultimately, there’s an amount of loneliness we must endure in life. We will die alone, regardless of if we are surrounded by all of our loved ones or none at all. At times, we will likely feel alone even if there’s no real reason for it or it doesn’t make any sense. But we don’t need to live a life plagued by it. There are ways to combat those feelings. If nothing else, remember these two things: communication and contact foster connection, the conqueror of loneliness, and you are always allowed to reach out. Don’t beat yourself up for feeling like you’ve brought loneliness upon yourself (because maybe you feel like you aren’t good enough or you know that you don’t put in as much time to being social as you maybe should). You are not defined by your feelings, so don’t let them define you. And maybe you’re thinking, “Well, yeah, Anna, easier said than done,” but here’s the kicker–you don’t have to do it alone. Beautiful irony, isn’t it? You have your family, your friends, your loved ones. And for the times that you don’t, there are apps and websites that let you connect with strangers for a chat, like Omegle.
Take care of yourselves, my friends, and know that at the end of the day someone loves you and is glad that you’re alive.