I read a joke somewhere about how when you go off to college, you come home a liberal because universities do nothing but show you all the pain and suffering of the world. I think the joke there was how horrified conservative parents were about the whole thing. I laughed a little when I first read it, but considering that I am now a second year student at a social justice-based university in the heart of an LGBT+ community in a largely liberal state, that joke holds some sinister truths. Thanksgiving break is rapidly approaching, a blessing for all the students who have cried weekly under the stress of midterms. However, the week home with family isn’t always the most positive and loving experience, particularly when politics come into play.
Recently, I went home to my dad’s house. I missed him, I missed my family, and after reading my last article my dad held my own words against me: “When are you coming home to give me a hug because you miss me?” Classic Dad move. The last time we’d all had dinner together, I had noticed that my dad looked a little uncomfortable while we were talking about various issues brought up in the news, and that’s when it hit me. I couldn’t say with certainty what my dad’s politics were. Before I left that night, I told him that I wanted to chat with him next time about politics and feminism.
I feel fortunate that I’ve had experience with conversations like these. In high school, I ran a feminist interest group and part of what we tried to figure out was why no guys came to our meetings, even if they were feminists or interested in feminism. It took some digging, but we discovered they felt unwelcome or uncomfortable sharing views that didn’t directly align with full-fledged feminist equality. Around then is when I learned the art of opening a conversation to conflicting views. Fast forward to this past weekend. Saturday morning, I come downstairs to get some coffee only to find my dad all excited, ready to have this conversation. I said,
“Okay, Dad. I am going to ask you questions, and I’m just asking to understand. I’m not really going to challenge you or ‘attack’ your views, this is just for me to understand. I want you to feel comfortable sharing your views.”
So he sat down in front of me, and I asked him the things I wanted to know. I asked my dad about gun control, Brett Kavanaugh, abortion, immigration. And I just listened. When it came to Kavanaugh, I had to ask some additional questions. I did challenge him there on some parts. And that was probably the most emotional to go through. I won’t share my dad’s views because they are not for me to share.
I want to say now that you do not need to compromise your emotional state for those conversations. I had this chat because politics falls into three categories for me: shared politics, differing politics but it’s fine, and unforgivably opposing politics. I needed to know, personally, if my dad and I fell into that third category, and I’m happy to say that we don’t. But in that conversation, we hit a point where I was having a hard time remaining level-headed so I said, “I only have one more question on this and then I’m going to change the subject because this is becoming…emotionally upsetting for me.” Ever the respectful and caring man that he is, my dad gently asked why, and that opened the conversation to an emotional take on the issue that I don’t think he’d considered. We found a middle ground where I felt like we respected each other’s views.
This experience left me suddenly very aware of how politics can potentially create divides within a family. With Thanksgiving coming up, it’s a lot of people going home to families that may have opposing political views. And with our current political state as a country and all the loveless words that are being thrown around, it feels like people have an even greater emotional investment in politics. Due to that emotional investment, it can be hard to even have the conversation to uncover where all your views lie. Here are my main tips for having those conversations without destroying your familial relationships.
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Establish ground rules. It sounds a little silly, but it’s important. You can keep it as basic as no yelling, no interrupting, no cruel words. It doesn’t help the conversation to add inflammatory behaviors. Yelling signals that you aren’t open to having an actual conversation; interrupting shows that you don’t really care about them or respecting them; cruel words are simply hurtful and, quite frankly, never necessary.
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Be open to listening. There’s a chance you’re not going to agree with politics that don’t align with yours. But it’s important to be open to listening out of respect, and also so that you can hear an opinion that isn’t yours. You may believe your views wholeheartedly, but if you care you should be open to constantly scrutinizing and evaluating your stances. Don’t interrupt, let them speak, and try to understand why they hold those views.
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Pay attention to yourself. You know it’s not an easy conversation, but that doesn’t mean you need to wreck your emotional being in the name of the conversation. If it ever gets to be too much, you can politely excuse yourself from the conversation or ask to put it on hold. My sisters and I have a safe word that we use. If the conversation is becoming too much for someone, we just say the word and, no questions asked, we change the subject. Maybe later it gets revisited, but in the moment we stop because not everyone is consenting to that conversation anymore, and to continue would exclude that person.
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When the conversation ends, take a moment to breathe. That conversation will have been a lot to take in, both with information and emotionally. When it has more or less ended, take a second to breathe. Let your mind and body process everything you’ve just gone through. Give yourself a second to settle before entering an entirely different conversation.
At the end of the day, they’re your family. Maybe you have a tough relationship with your family and that doesn’t mean much; maybe you have a phenomenal relationship with your family and that means everything. Regardless, they’re in your lives. In this respite from the chaotic and seemingly endless flow of work, take the time to keep love in your heart, even when the conversation gets tough.