Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, which can only mean one thing––it’s time to find that lucky lady to grace with your presence, using the most romantic dating app ever created…. . . Tinder. While dating shouldn’t be hard for a great guy like you, it’s important to put your best foot forward with a killer bio that lets her know exactly who you are.
I’ve compiled the best bios for men using a combination of science and a woman’s intuition. (I know what you’re thinking…. . .a woman wrote this? Don’t worry you guys, I’m not like other girls.) Here’s the best way to score a date with the girl of your dreams.
- “6’3 Because Apparently, It Matters”
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Ugh, women are so shallow. All they care about is height and how being 6’3 is very hot. This is a great bio for any man looking to get ahead of the violent misandry that drives women to only pick men who are above six feet tall. It has nothing to do with ego and everything to do with the fact that you have spent a lifetime being used exclusively for your height and big hands and how masculine you are. Honestly, it’s exhausting. Make sure you throw in that “apparently” to let potential dates know that you’re above this all, but you’re too smart to think that they’re not.
- “Not Looking For Anything Serious”
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Listen, just because a guy says he could “see himself marrying” a girl, DOESN’T mean he wants to take her on a date. Women are chronically overemotional, so it’s important to let them know up-front that you don’t want to do all that couple shit like communicate or change that grease-stained shirt to hang out with them. Unfortunately, no matter what you say, women have a way of twisting your words. Don’t be afraid to remind a woman that you told her up-front that you just wanted casual fun––not a psycho who texts you when you stand her up.
- “Mental Health Awareness”
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I’m going to be really honest, if you put this in your bio, you’re allowed to call her a bitch––just once. Like, don’t get overconfident with it, or else they’ll bring out the dreaded “s” slur or even worse…. . .the “m” word (s*xist and m*sogynist). But, if you play your cards right, the two basically cancel each other out. This bio also gives you the go-ahead to criticize ANYTHING about her appearance. Especially her weight. Use this tactic if she ghosts you (which means taking longer than 15 minutes to reply); after all, it’s been proven that ghosting has huge psychological tolls and is basically abuse in itself.
- “Do People Even Read These?”
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This bio is not for everybody, just the intellectuals. While everyone else is busy swiping left and right based on a couple of snap judgments, your dream girl is a READER. You too can come together and talk about your disillusionment with society. Wasn’t the world so much better when a woman had to ask her husband for permission to leave the house? Ugh, romance is dead. It’s important for your bio to be just this sentence––basically explaining that you would write more but you already know it’s pointless. You’re just a sensitive guy, and a real woman would appreciate that.
- “Looking For a Dog Mom”
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Take a page from Ted Bundy’s book (but please, limit yourself to this one page) and lure women into your home by distracting them with a cute puppy. Look, women are simple creatures and natural mothers. This bio lets them know that while you’re certainly not interested in having real children, you’ll indulge her motherly instinct by allowing her to nurture a small animal. Bonus, if she’s into it, you’ll also get somebody to feed and care for your dog while you go off and get a beer. Score!
- “It’s Always Sunny is better than The Office”
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You’re not like other guys; you’re actually funny. This one will set you apart from all those clowns who quote Jim and Pam and Stanley and Michael (though, when it comes down to it, you can do the Prison Mike bit by heart). You’re all about real. Comedy. You’re definitely not afraid to take a risk and this lets her know that she better be ready for some dark humor. This bio will also keep her guessing. Do you understand the humor of the show? Or do you genuinely relate to the characters? That’s for you to know and her to find out! Who says dating can’t be fun?
- “I’m Actually 32”
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So, yeah, technically girls set their age preferences for a reason. But do they actually know what they want? Unlikely. It’s your job as the alpha male to tell her what she wants. She says she prefers to date guys between the ages of 20 and 25? That’s because she hasn’t met anyone as hot and successful as you. If you’re truly all that, age will be just a number. Plus, isn’t it a little bit mysterious that your age doesn’t match up with your bio? She’ll just have to swipe right to figure out what exactly is going on with you.
The world of online dating can be tricky, and it certainly isn’t for everyone. But these bios are sure to make you stand out as the dominant, amazing, tall (not that it matters, so annoying) man that you are. This Valentine’s Day, make sure you’re not the odd man out and find the woman of your dreams. These helpful bio tips are sure to elevate your profile. Just make sure to complement your verbal wizardry with a picture of you holding a fish and a link to your SoundCloud!