What is wrong with me? Maybe there is something physically missing in my body. Or maybe there is something wrong emotionally. I do remember my elementary school Bible teacher saying something along the lines of sex and its connection to the soul. Fuck, maybe there is something wrong with my soul, that explains a lot. But seriously what is wrong with me? Why is it not enough..?
See the thing is, I don’t try to not enjoy sex. I don’t purposely try to make it hard to reach the blessed climax at the end, and sorry boys, but as I have opened up about the topic, many other women (at least the many I have talked to) cannot orgasm with penetration only. It took me years to realize there is nothing wrong with me for not getting as much pleasure through male-preferential sex that I assumed was the norm.
But don’t worry, you have heard this before… Right? We have all scrolled through articles talking about how sex doesn’t have to be done when males are done, we have heard it once and again that the clitoris is key, there are countless ways of making a girl orgasm–you know the rest. If so, then, why do so many women still struggle getting pleasure in bed?
A key factor lies in the fact that many boys have no clue how to please a girl aside from penetration. The first step, as always, is a conversation. I think it’s important to state that it is not always easy to have healthy conversations on female orgasm. So it’s alright to struggle, and it is ok if you are scared of doing it. I believe it is important for women to stand up for themselves, but being scared of doing something, or putting it off does not mean you are not strong or worthy. Take your time and do things at your own pace.
But if you are ready, here are some quick suggestions of what to discuss with your partner:
What does work for you? Everyone has different preferences, so talk about what works for you aside from penetration such as oral sex or prolonged foreplay. Also when having penetrative sex, which positions do you like most? It’s rarely discussed how some positions can be painful. This has nothing to do with the guy himself, but given that all vaginas are different, some positions can hurt. Don’t abstain from mentioning this, even if it’s a positions guys love; don’t put yourself through pain and no orgasm. Aside from that, some men get too tired after they are done with sex, so it can also be beneficial to talk about focusing on the female orgasm first.
Like it was mentioned above, coming up with the courage to discuss sex with a partner is not easy. But boys, the truth is, I’m sorry. I wish it weren’t that hard, and that I felt as much pleasure from you being inside me as you do, but I have no control over it. I am also exhausted. Over the years, I have been okay with sharing my body and getting little in return–I saw it as a form of caring for those I was with, and I knew my saying something would hurt, so I stayed quiet. However, as time has gone by, I realized no one has ever asked me if I get anything from it. Sex has become meaningless, something I desire but do solely for somebody else because I know, I just know I won’t get much from it. It has come to feel as if I’m giving my body away. Why won’t you ask? By experience, I don’t say anything for the fear you will react badly, or hurt, maybe doubt yourself. I don’t want to be anything but positive in your life, but if I am opening up enough to share my body, I want to get something back as well. I hope you understand it has nothing to do with your sexual ability.
Having a conversation can be hard. To me, it felt a little selfish asking to be pleased. What brought up the courage was my being hurt. After such a long time of having sex with different people, I was hurt and a little pissed no one cared, and I was not settling for anything less anymore.
I did bring it up with my partner, and it was worth it. Oddly enough, after having the conversation, not only was the pleasure sexual, but I was happy to know somebody else was putting effort into me as well. We know it’s ok to talk about it, but actually doing it is a completely different story. I just hope that like me, it doesn’t take you this long to speak up. I hope that as girl, or any individual who does not feel happy with their sex experience, you understand it’s not selfish to ask for something in return. Speak up. The worst that could happen is you realize you don’t want to be with someone who is not willing to put effort into you as well.