Every morning when I look at myself in the mirror, the first thing I do is make a mental list of all the things I would change about the way I look. My skin should be clearer. I wish the bags under my eyes would go away. I wish my stomach were flatter, my legs more muscular, and my arms more toned. It’s true; a part of my morning routine is telling myself that I’m not good enough, not thin enough, not strong enough to be worthy of the life I live. Then I step away from the mirror and look at all the pictures on my wall, all the places I’ve been. The mountain tops my strong legs have gotten me to, the incredible people my arms have held in the tightest hugs, the sunrises my eyes have stayed up all night to see, and the good food I’ve filled my tummy with while laughing with my best friends until my cheeks hurt.
I love myself, my body and my scars because she’s taken me to the most beautiful places, met the most beautiful people, and holds the most incredible stories that make her eyes sparkle. As a woman, I am most empowered when I’m exploring the world. When traveling, I am awakened by a new sense of independence, and with that comes self love -one full of trust, confidence, strength and curiosity. So I make it a point to change my morning routine to one where I thank my imperfect body, my tired eyes, and my calloused feet for taking me to infinity and beyond time and time again.
Two years ago, I got on a one-way plane to Peru, alone, with nothing but a backpack and a suitcase. I was fresh out of high school, an 18-year-old who had no idea what to expect or what I wanted, but I trusted myself when somewhere inside I believed I needed this experience. I was getting on a plane to a country I had only read about in books, not knowing where or who I was living with. The only thing I knew for sure (kinda), was that the person who was picking me up in Cusco would be holding up a sign with a yellow smiley face for me to find in the crowd.
I had butterflies in my stomach–no, more like bats–flapping around making me feel a kind of nervousness I had never felt before. I’ve learned to identify those bats flapping in my stomach, whenever they come, as a sign of excitement rather than fear, and that new kind of excitement I was feeling was the first time I felt truly free. It wasn’t easy leaving my hometown, my friends and family behind, but I later learned that home was everywhere I went – in the woman’s smile at the corner bakery, in my host mother’s care when I was sick, and in the very people who started out as roommates but later became my family.
When you step out into the world, live in a place with unfamiliar street names, with people who know nothing about you, you get a chance to re-introduce yourself to the world and recreate yourself. My life is my story, and I had never felt the power and freedom to rewrite that narrative however I wanted. In that moment, I chose to open my heart up completely to a place that welcomed me home, to people who called me their family, and I finally felt free – I just had to be me, and in return I received so much love from the people I surrounded myself with and developed a new and more loving relationship with myself.
Everyone has their paradise; whether that be in an art studio, hiking up a mountain, performing at an open mic, singing songs in a car with your best friends, or drinking hot chocolate and reading in a cafe in Vienna at Christmas time. I encourage you to find that space, that bliss, that feeling that makes you feel free, empowered and more in touch with yourself. Those spaces, whether a place or a state of mind, are special in that they build a sense of confidence and a sense of self. Wake up and see the immense and wonderful world we live in, feed your soul in ways that nothing else can, and allow your passions to be as magical as you believe them to be. This is your life. This is your time. Listen to that voice. Enroll in that class. Buy that plane ticket. Don’t ignore or fear what you know is true. Be as alive as you can be.