**Note: This article is a spoof! Do NOT take any of this seriously, or do any of the activities… unless you’re awesome.**
Valentine’s Day Activities: Singles Edition
There are a lot of fake holidays surrounding Valentine’s Day that are supposed to be “for the single people” … I’m looking at you, Galentine’s Day. If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, that’s all the more reason to celebrate the occasion of love… and how you will totally find it… and not with your cat Billy… (though he does look good in a bowtie). This whole article is going to be about how to love yourself, and remind yourself that you are the only person you will ever truly need.
Praise Yeezus… the patron saint of self-love.
1. Buy Some Sweethearts Candy…
Then go to your nearest mall or park so you can observe the adoring couples in their natural habitat. Take out a choice sweetheart candy, select a couple, and then promptly hurl it at them. Be sure to scream whatever cutesy slogan is on the sweetheart to make sure that the couple comprehends the well wishes behind the gesture.
2. Eat Weird Stuff
Ketchup, KFC, Pop-Tarts, Chocolate chips, Marshmallows, Peanuts, Snickers, Cheetos, Graham Crackers, Ice Cream, Pepperoni, Oreos, Pretzels, and a BLENDER. If it’s not a perfect combination of salty and sweet, or if it’s under 800 calories per serving, I’m not interested.
3. Get Yo Floss On.
Ball out. Seriously spoil the MESS out of yourself today. Wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy, put on your cashmere socks, make yourself a cup of imported $49 per pound Jamaican Blue Mountain Coffee, and start your day. Go to Lush. Buy one of everything, and ask for extra samples. Use at liberty, and don’t be afraid of smelling like an exotic Congo flower. Buy yourself awesome new underwear (either lingerie, or the dope Ninja Turtles ones) come home, wear only that, and play your favorite video game – I personally recommend Guitar Hero. It’s the classier version of singing around your house with a hairbrush microphone… not that I would know.
4. Hang Out With Beautiful Single People
And I mean beautiful inside AND out. Surrounding yourself with the coolest single people you know will remind you that the only reason you’re not in a relationship is because you’re literally too hot to handle. It’s basically for the greater good, the last person who tried to get with you is in the hospital for third degree burns.
5. Special Deliveries!
For those of you who have seen Clueless, one of the most famous moves in that movie is when Cher delivers chocolate to herself and pretends it’s from a boy in the middle of class to prove she’s desired. We’re going to take that self-love to the next level and own up that you’re sending yourself stuff, because you’re cool, and you can always do better for yourself than someone else can. Because who knows what you want better than you? Order yourself a singing gram from an a cappella group on campus (or some other service offering) and have them sing “Boss A$$ B****,” “Flawless,” or “Welcome To The Jungle” behind you as you walk to class. Instead of a floral bouquet, get a wine bouquet. Instead of chocolate… well… actually no, scratch that, the chocolate stays.
I hope this list helped inspire you a little bit. Being single on Valentine’s Day is a lot of work when you’re in a great relationship with yourself. There are only so many hours in the day to prove how great you are to you after all… Unless you’re Beyoncé.