Responding to Catcalls Like a Bo$$

“You say that you a baller and I see you tryna holla but that ain't how I was brought up.”

-Fifth Harmony, BO$$

Have you ever wondered how to respond to unwanted attention on the street? Look no further—all the answers lay just within your reach. 

Pretend you’re hard of hearing.

When he catcalls you, pretend you’re having a difficult time hearing what he is saying, and say, “What?” a minimum of five times, forcing him to repeat himself until he gets confused and decides to leave.

Channel your inner Catholic elementary school teacher.

“Hey girl, you lookin’ fine.”

“Good evening, young man, I appreciate the compliment, but are you sure you should be out this late? What would your mother say?”

Catcall back.

This confuses and upsets men, who are not used to being catcalled. They will become flustered by the tremendous compliment of being catcalled and will be too bewildered to continue talking to you.

Pretend you’re deaf and learn ASL.

Self explanatory. Just make sure you learn all the best insults.

Sing and plug your ears.

Preferably Beyoncé. Can’t sing? All the better.

Play innocent.

Construction worker: “Hey Red, you’re making me wish I was those jeans.”

Kimmy: “Well I wish I was your yellow hat.”

Construction worker: “What?”

Kimmy: “It’s my favorite color...did I say something wrong?”

(From Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt)

Correct their grammar.

Come to think of it, this is probably why I never get hit on more than once, and why I am also perpetually single. But hey, if it works to ward off catcallers, it might just be genius. As an English major, there is nothing I cherish more dearly in the whole world than the opportunity to say, “Actually, it is ‘I wish I WERE those jeans.’”

Start reciting the Declaration of Independence.

Looking to send a message of self-sufficiency? Who better to turn to than our forefathers, who knew a thing or two about independence.

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal…”

Become a Jehovah’s Witness.

“Excuse me, sir, do you have a minute to talk about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?”

Pretend you’re a time traveler.

Ask him what year it is. When he says “2016,” ask for the date. If he gives it to you, gasp, then exclaim, “It worked! I’m just in time to prevent the zombie apocalypse!”

Go all Jane Austen on him.

Best lines to say (or yell in a British accent):  

“You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.”

“Perhaps it is our imperfections that make us so perfect for each other.”

“You have bewitched me, body and soul.”

And if all else fails…

Pretend to be extremely flattered by his attention, get down on one knee, and propose to him. He is probably afraid of commitment and your forwardness will scare him away like the Bubonic Plague.

On that note, stay wonderful and stay weird, ladies! Remember the words of the great and illustrious Fifth Harmony: “C-O-N-F-I-D-E-N-T, that's me, I'm confident.”