The Malley Gym

Today’s the day you decide to go to the gym. You’ve finally built up the courage to go (don’t lie and say you’ve been busy), and this time you decide to use the free weights. Your one problem aside from zero knowledge of lifting? It’s an iron jungle. Males of all shapes and sizes occupy that side making all sorts of strange noises from eerie hissing to all out murder cries. Usually you can just bypass that side altogether and hit the cardio machines for a bit while subconsciously racing the person next to you and wondering who’s staring at your ass this time. However, that one article you skimmed about some cross fit bullsh*t has you curious about what it’s really like to lift weights. Lucky for you, I am a male and therefore have been through that iron jungle a time or two. So, in my utterly useless and not-so-expert opinion, here are some tips on how to venture to the “other” side. 

First and foremost: no sudden movements. Such movements can frighten the males, similar to emotions and commitment. Also, watch your step. Nowadays males are trying to lift in all sorts of new, strange, and flashy ways to gain status. You never know if throwing 45 lb plates into the air and catching them will become the new fad workout. Now, as you walk around catching your breath or looking for the proper equipment, do not make eye contact with the males. They perceive this as a threat and will charge. Furthermore, if you are uncomfortable with males approaching you and attempting to mate, the more clothes you wear the better. I suggest a heavy parka and some sweatpants. So, for you ladies that find it pertinent and necessary to wear booty shorts and a sports bra to the gym in the middle of January, prepare yourself. On the note of clothing, do not be alarmed by shredded shirts in the gym. No, they didn’t accidentally catch the sleeve of their shirt on a rogue nail and tear it almost completely off; they did that on purpose. In fact, the less amount of fabric worn while still maintaining some resemblance of a shirt, the more status a male has. It’s true. Google it. 

You’ve finally made it successfully to where you need to be. During the process of lifting, several males may be lifting around you. Stay calm. Most of them could be judging your form, but don’t act like you don’t judge their running form when they are on the treadmills, so chill out. You also might notice a few males on their downtime examining themselves sans weights. Do not panic, this is completely normal among the douchebagarius sapiens species. When you finish your workout, calmly exit the area. Remember, they can smell fear and feelings miles away and will become agitated. 

Congratulations, you have survived the “other” side! With your newly acquired knowledge of the iron jungle you are prepared to successfully workout in that area as often as you want, provided you follow the tips above. One last thing: Avoid brushing up against the males. Most of them sweat more in one workout than you do in your entire life, so unless you’re into that sort of thing, steer clear.