My Greatest Influence is

Recently, I’ve been binge watching All American and I totally recommend this show for all you Netflix obsessed out there. In the midst of my binging, one scene specifically caught my eye. The high school students were given an essay assignment: Name your greatest influence.  


Toxic love. 


You probably thought I was going to write about a person- a person who has greatly influenced my life, a person who has shaped me into who I am, a person who has changed me. And sure, I have lots of those. Who doesn’t? But, the essay prompt never said anything about a human being. 


Toxic love. 


It makes me feel something, something so indescribable, something so mysterious. It makes me heart race and my soul dance to the beat. It’s an adrenaline rush. And I’m an addict. I want more. I need more. I crave it. I live for it. I live for the moments of the good and the bad and the toxic. The moments of love that are so soothing and safe, yet so reckless and terrifying. Does this make me a bad person? I don’t know. Of course, I want to say no. 


No, it doesn’t make me a bad person. However, it does not make me the person I want to be. 


Toxic love. 


People say that love is supposed to be easy. Love should never hurt. Do I agree with these people? No. No, I don’t. Love comes easy. But, what comes after love that’s the hard part. The post- love era. The butterfly age fades and soon after tornados of toxicity twirl and destroy. 


And the thing about toxic love is- you eventually walk away. But no matter who you are, or how strong you think you’ve become you always go back. You find your way back to what broke you, who broke you. You go back willingly. At first you put up a fight, because you simply believe that you’ve overcome the feeling, the toxicity, the desire for what you know what will never be real, a desire for a love that will never be true love. And one day you might leave for good. But, once an addict, always an addict. 


Toxic love. 


To some extent it fascinates me. How could something so lethal, so destructive be just so welcoming, so beautiful? I guess it’s like a calla lily. The flower is so precious. Its pedals are elegant and simplistic. However, it contains insoluble calcium crystals that are poisonous. 


Yeah. I guess toxic love is sort of like a calla lily. Beautiful, yet poisonous. Toxic, yet love. It’s really an oxymoron if you think about it. 


So, pick your poison. 


It’s human nature to want more of something- to eventually need more of something. And it’s human nature to crave something- in more simplistic terms: We’re all a sucker for one thing in life. Maybe yours in candy or brownies. Oh yes, brownies. Maybe yours is the same as mine. I know I can’t be the only one. 


Dare to resist your greatest influence.