The music is blasting. Your roommate locked you out. The trash is overflowing. Maybe your bathroom is a mess even though you just cleaned it. Maybe you state an opinion and your roommate doesn’t take you seriously, or maybe you fight over the same things every day. Maybe it’s none of these things. Or maybe it’s all of these things. Regardless, you find yourself reading this article, but why? Maybe it’s because you want to laugh at the things that triggered you years ago, or maybe it’s because you’re going through some kind of conflict in your life that’s driving you batshit crazy. Whatever brought you here, thank it later because you’re about to get a crash-course in resolving conflict in your college dorm or apartment!
The worst thing in the world is living with people you care about (like friends, significant others, even siblings) after having a room to yourself, or growing up as an only child. Sharing is caring, but sharing is tough. Living with strangers is sometimes better because you get to see who they are with a fresh set of eyes instead of having existing thoughts about them. Knowing someone does not mean that you know everything about them, and living with them could show you a side of them you never thought you would see. If you grew up basically on top of your family, then you probably know how to make sure everyone pulls their own weight and respects one another. And, you know the rules of personal space and the benefit of having time alone. Then again, “assuming makes an a$$ out of you and me,” so, playing devil’s advocate, you may not realize that it may be something you’re doing, and you might very well be the problem, Sheryl.
But enough of the small talk. Without further ado, it’s time to mix a heaping dose of Harry Potter with Conflict Resolution, and teach you how to handle that thing that’s irkin’ the bloody hell out of ya.
1. You need to identify exactly what’s bothering you. Yes, I know that Jessica may be a bitch, but what’s making her a bitch? No, it’s not the way she laughs or rolls her eyes. Believe it or not, there was a catalyst – a beginning moment or incident – that triggered you. Take a step out of your life and replay it like a movie, and find what that moment was and why it got to you.
2. If you can’t find that initial moment, then draw a connection between what she’s doing and why it upsets you. Just ask yourself, “What am I feeling? Anger, frustration, sadness, personally attacked? And what is she doing that’s causing it?” Note that this could get really personal for you, so be rational about it and assume innocence in her actions. She may have no idea that what she’s doing is torturing you. Let’s say, for example, that she tends to leave trash everywhere, but growing up, you would get yelled at if you didn’t take out the trash. Maybe in her family, she never had to take out the trash and she doesn’t realize that you came in very orderly. Regardless, you get what I’m saying. Try and make a logical connection so that you have a starting point.
3. Once you’ve figured out the reason why there’s a conflict, it’s time to CALMLY confront your roommate. You know what, let’s not even use that word. HAVE A DISCUSSION. Don’t “confront.” What are you about to do? Chase a demon out of your house??? Make a decision that’ll impact your life forever? YOU’RE TALKING TO YOUR FRIEND, DAMMIT. And if you can remember all the good times you’ve shared in the past and still want to be friends with them after this conversation, then you better learn.
4. That means none of this,
5. Or this, 6. Or this,
7. Stay humble and calm. Above all other things, you need to be the bigger person. You’re not virtuous if you go in guns blazing and screaming.
8. Your roommate is a human too. They’ll make mistakes – just like you do – and they deserve respect – just like you do – don’t treat them any differently than you would want them to treat you in the same situation. Seriously think about that for a minute, because I promise you, respect and genuine kindness will win them over faster and more effectively than rage and self-righteousness.
9. And don’t be passive about whatever is bothering you, because I promise you it will come back stronger and stronger each time until you freak out and cause a scene. That damage might not be repairable.
10. Be open, honest and address the problem as soon as it happens. And do it in person. Over text could miss emotions, emphasis, or come across the wrong way. Pull your roommate off to the side and have a genuine conversation. Any rational roommate will be willing to compromise. And be honest. If it’s not ok with you, tell her, and tell her why. Honesty is a building block for trust, which ultimately leads to friendship.
11. Most of the time, this will work because most people are reasonable people. If it doesn’t work, talk to your RA or housemates. If they don’t have a solution or can’t mediate the problem, try to find a living situation that better suits you. This is your life, you should be in control of it and do what’s best for you. Sometimes that’s being humble enough to take criticism (if someone addresses a problem with you) and sometimes that’s moving to a better environment if you can’t get the respect that any decent person would deserve.
12. So, keep your head held high, keep your feet firmly grounded, and be open, honest and respectful. Above all else, be the bigger person, but don’t concede or be a pushover. You deserve that respect, just like your roommate deserves your respect.