Q: “How do I put myself out there in the dating scene? I’m interested in dating and I want to know how to navigate the dating scene. Dating apps are scary!”
A: I LOVE this question, and please know that you are not the only one who feels this way! I don’t have any personal experience with dating apps, but I have watched MANY friends trudge through profile after profile with minimal success. From what I can tell, that scene is truly what you make of it; obviously, there are people out there who have had great experiences with dating apps, but if they don’t feel authentic to you and your dating goals, don’t feel pressured to download them! Any relationship, romantic or platonic, should be rooted in your comfort!
Navigating dating, especially in college, is not easy, and you have every right to be nervous about searching for a special somebody. Depending on what you’re looking for, there are several ways I’d say you could go about trying to put yourself out there, but there is unfortunately no “one size fits all” approach (that I’ve found). That being said, here are my biggest pieces of advice for developing meaningful romantic connections:
1. Please, please, please keep an open mind! We live in an era of “what’s your type” and lists of “icks,” and though we may laugh at these things on
TikTok, they’re not super helpful for creating and fostering meaningful romantic connections. If you only focus on a person meeting superficial expectations, you lose sight of the other positive qualities they may be bringing to the table.
2. Be authentically yourself. If you feel like you have to be somebody else to get that person in your class’ attention, babe, they’re not the one. Find someone who compliments You, with a capital Y.
3. Don’t be afraid to be friendly! I’ve found that some of the best romantic relationships start as friendships; this gives both of you the space to get to know each other without the pressure of romantic expectations. If you want to take it to the next level after being friends, then go for it; having a friendship first just gives you that buffer zone to find out how you and a person fit together. That being said, there are exceptions to every rule; if they’re clearly into you, and you’re into them, don’t be afraid to jump into the deep end of the pool! (But Faith, how can I be friendly? It depends on the context, but generally, don’t be afraid to sit next to them, start a conversation, ask how a test or homework assignment went, or make a joke about/compliment something they’re wearing, depending on your personality. I know it feels scary, but if you feel the reward could be way greater than the risk, why regret not doing anything?)
4. Don’t take it personally if it doesn’t work out. Say you try talking to a classmate after finishing a group project and they leave you on “delivered,” or you get brushed off by your campus crush in person. Just because one person doesn’t see the beauty in you doesn’t mean it isn’t there! This lends itself to another crucial piece of advice: be sure you’re (emotionally, physically, etc.) ready to date. You can’t pour from an empty cup, and dating
isn’t going to fill that empty cup for you. In my eyes, a successful romantic relationship isn’t 50/50, it’s 100/100.
5. My biggest piece of advice, however, is to never, ever force a connection. You deserve to be with somebody who is as crazy about you as you are about them; if you find yourself putting in more time and energy than the person you’re dating, you’re doing yourself a disservice!
Q: “A few things: How [do I] vet (make sure they’re not stalkers) guys? Does party culture play a positive or negative role in relationships? How soon is too soon for…stuff?”
A: These are awesome but tough because they’re SO contextual. To preface, much if not all of this response is based on my personal experiences, so don’t take anything as absolute truth. BUT, in my experience, vetting to determine “stalker” status mainly occurs on social media, and can be hit or miss. There are some people who you can tell from the jump are not the vibe on instinct alone but others who are, indeed, harder to read. No posts vs. too many posts, posts with exes vs. only ever with “the boys,” we’ve all been there. My honest advice is to get multiple opinions on a social media page or dating app profile before saying “yes” to a date (no matter how excited/flattered you are); in other words, check with the girls, your mom, your cousins, etc. My quad has seen many a “guys, look at this and tell me what you think,” and 10 times out of 10, multiple opinions are better than one. However, I will say, if you’re seriously contemplating their “stalker” status, listen to your instincts and swipe left. I don’t care how cute they are.
Party culture is a hard answer just because experiences with it are so diverse. If you and your partner are both super into it, and you trust one another to go out together or apart, I don’t see why it’d impact your relationship negatively. If you’re both super into it but your partner only ever wants to go out with their friends (purposely excluding you), that could be indicative of the priorities in their life and may warrant a sit-down conversation. If one of you is into it and the other isn’t, communication is key; if no one feels pressured to do anything they don’t want to do, you have a solid foundation for communication. At that point, I think a straightforward conversation about boundaries and both of your wants/needs is the way to go. If they disrespect your boundaries at any point after that conversation, I’d say that could be a red flag. Overall, I’ll say it can be a point of contention based on how different your involvements in party culture are, but if you’re with the right person, it doesn’t have to be a make or break.
The “stuff” conversation is entirely yours to have, babe! Every relationship looks different here. What matters is your comfort and what you feel okay and not okay doing. If you’re not ready to do something, do not do it! If you’re in a situation where you feel pressured to do anything at all that you are not ready to do in this department, to be blunt, get out. Literally. Like out the door. In my eyes, someone who truly cares about you will not force you to question a boundary you’ve made clear. That being said, if you’re ready, you’re ready, and that is entirely your call to make. My advice will always be to put yourself first and stay in that comfort zone.
Q: “I’ve recently lost all of my friends; I try to branch out, but I can never find people that stick. What should I do?”
A: Making and maintaining friends in college is no easy feat, so don’t beat yourself up! Losing friends is a natural part of the college experience. I’d view this point in your college career as an opportunity to start over and form more genuine connections. I know I said this earlier in a romantic context, but it applies to a platonic one, too: never force a connection. You’re not going to be friends with everybody, not everybody is going to like you, and that’s completely ok. The key move is to find your people, and that only happens by trial and error; therefore, don’t be discouraged if you’ve found that the people you’ve been hanging out with aren’t “sticking” yet. Time heals most wounds. Getting involved in extracurriculars, attending floor activities if you live on campus, going on a retreat, getting involved in service, and attending late-night events are all great places to start as far as meeting people, depending on what feels most true to you.
Q: “Faith, what do I do? I think he thinks I have a crush but it’s just a FRUSH.”
A: Eeeeek. That’s a tough one. The only true solution here is to be straightforward and honest, which I know can be scary. If you’re both already talking regularly as classmates/through mutual friends, though, I’d just somehow make it clear that you’re only interested in being friends. If you don’t feel like doing that in an overly blunt way, you could mention being romantically interested in somebody else to them directly or when they’re around to hear, ask their advice about dating somebody else, etc. Subtle hints that say you don’t think of him that way. If you’re not already talking, and
he’s taking your wanting to be his friend for crushing, that’s a sticky situation to get out of without having that blunt conversation, unfortunately. I know it sucks, but it’s best to rip the Band-Aid off rather than feel guilty about unintentionally leading him on.
Q: “Do friends change from freshman year?”
A: Absolutely YES. It is completely normal for your social circles to change after freshman year; many friends will come and go as you move through college. I wouldn’t see this as a scary thing, though; 8 times out of 10, friendships shift simply because one or both of you grow and/or change in a way that your friendship no longer accommodates. “Never force a connection!” If you have a “friend” who is not making you a better you in some way, shape, or form, then ideally, there is no reason for you to keep them in your life; it’s like trying to shove a triangle through a square-shaped hole. I truly believe that any person who is or was significant in our lives offers us the chance to learn and improve in some way; in other words, take ex-friends or current “friends” as lessons. You could ask yourself, “How can I be/could I have been a better advocate for myself?” or “What has this person taught me/is this person teaching me about what I want/need out of a friendship?” Bottom line: know what you need and what you deserve. If you feel in your heart/gut that someone is bringing negativity into your life, make space for someone who will bring positivity!