When I was 14 or 15-years-old, I tried really hard to make myself throw up my food after dinner because I wanted to be thin. After countless hours of spending my time hunched over a toilet without avail, I gave up. Instead, I just binge ate until my problems went away. What I did not realize is that even though I was not bulimic, that did not mean that I did not have an eating disorder.
When talking to my mom about it, she told me straight up that I did not have an eating disorder (in my case bulimia) because I was not drastically losing weight. In her defense, she was right. I was not bulimic in the least. Instead of thinking I did not deserve to digest the food that I hate eaten, I relied on it as a crutch. It became the only thing that I could find comfort in. Even as my stomach swelled, I refused to admit I had a problem. I could not possibly have an eating disorder. I was just getting fatter. It was not until my freshman year of college that I realized that an eating disorder was not defined on what made your body frail and tiny. It is not just a purely physical disorder. It is a mental one as well.
Once I realized that I was binge eating to keep my feelings at bay, I did nothing about it. To be honest, I still have not. I acknowledge that I am binge eating and I should stop. I realize that as a shove Oreos in my mouth that I am trying to cope with my emotions. But that sure does not stop me from eating an entire row of them in minutes. I do not really know where to even start except for admitting that I have a problem. None of my friends know I have a problem, because when we go out to eat, I always have techniques that deter people away from the fact that I either eat too much or barely anything at all.
With this all being said, I am trying and failing to segue into informing the public that eating disorders are not just the scary pictures of skin and bones that only vaguely resemble a person, or mouths with rotten teeth from stomach acid. Eating disorders are not just specifically for people who destroy their body by refusing food. The umbrella term ‘eating disorder’ covers much more than that. The term also belongs to the people like me who cope with eating. Who have a seemingly happy relationship with food, but behind closed doors hate themselves for not knowing how to deal with problems in any other way.
Eating disorders effect people skinny and fat alike. I wish someone would have taken the time to tell me that in my sixth grade health class; however, no one really likes to talk about the people like me until we end up being 600 pounds and on a TLC show about weight loss surgery. I do not want to end up like that. I am sure people who deal with the same problems as I do probably all feel the same.