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How to Put Way Too Much Effort into a Halloween Costume

It’s finally time. Or, if you’re a true fan, it’s been time for about a month now. Halloween is the holiday that makes all others look weak in comparison, and I am ALL about that. It’s the only holiday when being over zealous isn’t met with groans (I’m lookin’ at you, Christmas.)

 

As far as I’m concerned, October is an excuse to fill your days with insufferably spooky songs, B-rated horror movies and as many puns as possible. Halloween month is the time to get away with stuff: a room full of adults dressed as cartoons chugging vodka to the sound of Monster Mash would warrant an intervention any other day, on Halloween it’s just a good time. If you’re looking for a cute and cost effective way to have a happy Halloween, do yourself a favor and ollie out of this article right now because you’re wasting your time. However, if you want to spend an embarrassing amount of money and lose a little bit of dignity: welcome to my wheelhouse.

Costume preparation can take two days or ten months, depending on the level of dedication. When in doubt, choose from one of these reliable categories:nostalgia, humor, horror and hoe. By themselves they’re great, but when the four blend together they can make for some solid get-ups. Flirty but funny is my favorite combination because it’s so easy. Pick any arbitrary occupation or object and represent it with as little clothes as possible and bing-bam- boom you’ve got yourself a clever way to show your buns without falling into “basic” territory. When deciding between a DIY and a costume kit, you have to know your wants, needs and goals. If the costume is common enough, buying isn’t a bad option – it can actually turn out to be the cheaper option a lot of the time. DIY projects may have the potential to turn out better than something mass-produced, it’s hard to know when to stop gathering supplies. Before you know it your costume is twice as much as it would’ve been and your mom is calling you about budgeting. DIYs in general are the timeshares of internet trends: they look good on paper, but in practice they’re just expensive headaches.

This year’s costume has been in the works for several years, just waiting for the right opportunity and the perfect paycheck to waste. It wasn’t until after hearing my roommate’s idea of being HR Pufnstuf, the childhood hero from our nightmares, that I knew it was destiny. In no time, there were 20 purchases on my Amazon account and a pair of rubber claws was making its way to my doorstep. And while it may have hurt looking at the receipt, nothing can ever replace the looks of shock, terror and delight when people walk into a room with the likes of us. Those reactions are the true definition of priceless.

This is not so much a list of tips and tricks, but more a confession of choices that I may or may not recommend. Since starting this article, I’ve spent about forty minutes trying to curl a glue-on goatee, so take that as you will.

Alicia Caffero emerged from a dark hole, deep in the suburbs of Chicago, on April 19 of 1997. From there, she grew into the loud and lively drag queen enthusiast she is today. Alicia also shares a passion for sexual health, radio, writing and uncomfortable humor. She is knowledgeable in subjects of all kinds, both typical and controversial. There is no one quite like Alicia, and because of this, she remains as one of FBI’s top most wanted. * * If you have information regarding Alicia Caffero’s whereabouts, please contact (202) 324-3000
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