When I am going through any kind of rut, I think of things I have to look forward to. As winter break starts, I am already looking forward to next semester. In the spring semester, I have fun classes, new people to meet, spring weekend, my birthday, and my favorite type of weather.
For whatever reason, I cannot break out of this cycle. Maybe it is my deep-Rooted cynicism, but I have an extremely hard time staying in the moment. I am looking for the next memory to create. My parents have been waiting weeks to see me for weeks, and all I can think about is when my spring rosters come out on Moodle. It’s a dangerous habit I fall into and makes me feel extremely guilty. Why can I not enjoy what is right in front of me?
I think looking ahead has many positives. When I feel down, I have the capacity that whatever I am feeling will not last forever, there is so much good coming my way. I think this is a positive attribute of mine, but it can go too far.
If I spend this entire winter break ignoring what is right in front of me, I know later I will regret it. My cousins are growing up right in front of my eyes. My grandparents are aging. I won’t be living at my childhood home forever and my Christmas movie binge sessions with my parents will slowly decrease as the years go on. As much fun as there is in the future, it is important to have that glimmer of hope while still being present in the moments I am in.
An even worse vice of mine is looking backward. My freshman year of college was a deeply formative one for me. While it had many low points, challenges, and places of growth, it was the happiest I have ever been in my life. I met the most beautiful souls I could have imagined and I am deeply connected to my friends at Bonaventure.
It is extremely hard for me to not be so nostalgic about that time. Looking back, I so desperately want to relive certain nights, weeks, months, and really just the entire year. As fun as it is to look back on the videos, I cannot relive it. Nor should I want to spend my time wishing I was a freshman again instead of living right where I am.
My friends know how much I loved living in Fal, first Fal specifically. I love Fal. At the beginning of the semester, I brought up how much I missed Fal and how I was not sure if would ever be as sentimental over Dev. Here I am, in December of my sophomore year and I am intrinsically connected to Dev too. The relationship is different, sure. But so are the memories and people. Because I have been able to reframe how much I view my past, I can cherish the beautiful memories I now have in my new room.
None of this is to say to not look behind or ahead of you. I am one to always pull out a yearbook or Snapchat memories. The past is what shaped who I am now, of course it is a part of me. I love to make vision boards and over-plan my future. All of these are good. But my reminder to myself is to not be so busy looking forward to things that you miss the small moments at your fingertips.