We all have that ex. You know? The ex you continuously go back to. The ex you text when you have had too many drinks. The ex you compare your new loves to.
For me, that ex was my first love. My high school sweetheart. The guy I thought I might spend my life with.
But, as previously alluded to, being young and in love is not all it’s cracked up to be.
Though we broke up almost three years ago, he found his way to my doorstep last Sunday. A typical catch-up, I thought. Sushi and Criminal Minds, just like a normal Sunday for us when we were together. Sometimes wine, sometimes weed. But just us two, together.
But, because of a lack of communication, the most recent Sunday did not involve sharing our most recent ventures. Our Sunday became the Sunday we got real about our breakup.
For me, this conversation has been long-awaited. Almost too long-awaited.
Our breakup was hard. Heartbreaking. Almost impossible to get over.
But after three years, I have taken all the difficult steps. I have reflected. I have forgiven both him and myself. I have moved forward.
During that time, however, I did not stop to think if he had taken the same steps. If he has reflected. If he has forgiven me. If he has moved forward.
One of the biggest misconceptions about breakups, in my naive opinion: is that two broken hearts move and heal on the same timeline. But, in truth, the heart within yourself tells you a different story than the reality. The heart makes assumptions to heal. To put itself back together.
This past Sunday, my heart had an alarming wake-up call. My heart heard the reality of my counterparts’ experiences. My heart realized that my past love did not heal the same.
His heart had scars that mine didn’t. His heart carried the weight that I let go of long ago. His heart needed closure when mine already had it.
Breakups are difficult. Much more so than anyone had told me. Breakups, especially the first ones, can be excruciating. Each stage is more unbearable than the next.
But when you heal, no matter how ugly the scar, your understanding of yourself becomes blissful.
Just remember, your past loves’ process may not be the same. Know that healing isn’t linear. Know that healing isn’t a race and that it does not matter who gets to the finish line first.
For me, hearing that my first love did not look back on our relationship in the golden light that I did was heartbreaking. But after reflection, I realized that it was ok. Sometimes some people don’t heal the same. And oftentimes, it is better that way.