I have an odd relationship with death. I am a person who is so understanding of the fact that it’s inevitable, and that there is no way around it.
But I’ve spent the past 18 years of my life without ever having to accept those facts in real life. I have never lost a family member. I never lost one of my friends. I never lost someone I cared deeply for.
While most people can say that it has been an extreme privilege of mine to never have to deal with the fact that I will never see someone I love again, I believe that this is not the case.
I can’t say that I understand the pain because I don’t. But that also means that I don’t know how I am going to cope with it when the time comes.
I’m lucky enough to have never had to attend a funeral.
I’m lucky enough to have never cried for hours mourning for someone.
But I’m unlucky still because I feel so lost without having that emotional response.
My mother once told me that she doesn’t think that I would cry when she dies. At first, I was deeply offended by this comment. I felt as though she thought it was a matter of how much I cared. But she explained to me what she truly meant.
“If someone sees you crying, they’ll think they have a reason to cry.”
I have never truly been one to wear my emotions on my sleeve. Most of my friends can count on one hand the number of times they’ve seen me shed tears of sadness. So, while the idea makes sense, it really started to make me wonder: What am I going to do when my mom dies? What am I going to do when ANYONE dies?
Will I shut down and become a more volatile version of myself?
Will the dam behind my eyes finally break and give way to a never-ending sadness?
Or will I do as my mom says and continue to pretend like everything is alright?
There are major events around losing a loved one that I am unfortunately unable to empathize with others about. I know of course that it’s a very disturbing time. Even through that natural human instinct though, loss is an emotion that, while I have accepted, I don’t truly think that I can comprehend.
And what about the people that I know should be important to me, but I can’t find it in myself to feel that connection? I’ve had a very rocky relationship with my father, in fact, I haven’t spoken to him in nearly three years. When he dies am I going to realize that I truly do care for him? Or will I carry on like nothing happened? Does that make me seem like a bad person, or even worse… a terrible daughter?
It’s a stressful thing to think about, and I do so often. My grandparents are still relatively young, but with my grandpa recently being diagnosed as diabetic and my grandmother having multiple health-related problems, I know that something can happen to them at any time.
I try my hardest not to dwell on these things, of course, but it still terrifies me that I don’t truly know how deep-rooted my “understanding” of losing them is.
Everybody dies at some point. I understand that there is nothing after their deaths that I can do except remember their lives as they were. But that notion is even more chilling to me when I remember that I haven’t ever had to experience such a tragedy.
To those of you who have lost a loved one and are still grieving, or if it happened recently, I hope you find the bright side of the darker days. Until I can truly understand what you are feeling though, I’ll be sitting here, patiently awaiting death. And possibly my own personal destruction.