For as long as I can remember, my extended family and I have been extremely close.
My mom has five siblings, so you can imagine the chaos that came with family birthdays, trips and especially Christmas.
While this family from the Buffalo area were hours away from New Jersey, we made an effort to go up as many times a year as we could. Every summer we even camped, all seven families, together for a week… in the woods with 0 Internet. These times together are paramount to who I am as a human being.
As many families do, as people get older and busier, these times together become far less frequent. As a new age of adults and responsibilities arise, especially with families now even more spread across the country, it will be a long, long time before we are all ever in the same place at the same time.
This has been extremely difficult to grapple with. It’s no ones “fault” per say. All I know is that my inner-child is having a terrible time coping with this. Annoyances with each other aside, ALL being together was something I could count for on my entire life. Now, it simply isn’t.
As I was discussing this with a close family friend, Joe, he said to me, “Yeah, that’s hard”.
That short response changed my life.
He had no follow up. Even after knowing my family for decades, all he did was acknowledge that it was hard. It was by no means a flippant or absence response, he was very clearly listening and understanding. In fact, his short statement was perfect.
As someone who tries to pride themselves on being empathic, when people come to me with a story, I try to be an extremely attentive listener. This can quickly turn into advice or unnecessary comparisons to my own life in an attempt to be relatable.
Joe’s response to my story has completely reframed my mindset of “empathic listening”.
First of all, what it did was acknowledge that in fact these emotions are hard! It is so easy to deem ourselves as overdramatic and this combatted that.
Additionally, Joe did not try to change the outcome. I did not go to Joe asking for advice, and he did not try to offer it. There is really no “solving” issues like this, especially the nostalgia that comes along with family dynamics. Letting me speak while affirming my emotions, without adding in his own input, made all the difference.
In life, really all we want is to be heard and understood. Joe has taught me a completely new way to think about this.
I can now acknowledge when things are hard! It doesn’t change the fact that it’s hard, but it almost feels like a pat on the back. It doesn’t counter with “well, it could be worse”. It just lets my emotions exist as they are.
This may seems obvious to some, but when someone brings something to you, perhaps try the “Joe” method of listening.
Acknowledge the emotion. Attentively listen. Don’t try to name it, or fix it, yourself. Just being there for them is half the work.
Everyone needs a Joe. Everyone should be a Joe.