You may have heard of the phrase “boys and girls” can’t be friends, and while many people have a visceral reaction to this statement, there are parts of it I believe to be true. Picture this: you are in a long-distance relationship while in college, and you are friends with men…aka…boys. You make it very clear you are in a relationship and that you are not interested in them in that way. Then, those men profess their undying love to you. Now before you enter your “I hate all men” phase, like I almost did, let me tell you how this scenario ended for me. With some self-reflection. Like good old T-Swift recently said, “It’s me, hi, I’m the problem; it’s me”.
I can admit that I struggle with seeking validation, especially of the male variety. I am working on it. Since I was little, I always had more friends who were boys, and I generally find them easier to confide in. However, as I got older, the combination of insecure men, matched with my strong empathy and desire to help others does not mix well.
Not to say I can not be friends with men, but there are certain energies that should only be put toward my relationship. For example, I have learned that it is not healthy for me to be giving deep emotional advice because that causes men to get attached. Although it is not me who is forming the attachment, I have to assume some responsibility for it. In no way should I be putting myself in a position where I am allowing that to happen at all.
Setting a boundary is difficult especially when you have become very close friends with someone. Boundaries come in two forms: through your actions and through communication. I have distanced myself from men and hung out with them less so that I do not give them the wrong idea. This is by no means disrespectful, people are in your life for seasons, and it is ok for that season to come to an end.
Sometimes I have also had to have a mature conversation and say, “hey us talking about deep subjects or hanging out excessively is not appropriate.” It is not fun to have that conversation, but I know in the end my relationship with my boyfriend is my priority, and I do not want to take away from that.
I am my hardest critic, so, I have spent time feeling guilty about these friendships. I have come to realize that life is a learning experience, and I can not blame myself for not knowing what I didn’t know when I didn’t know it. I am so thankful that my boyfriend and I have open communication and that we push each other to grow while recognizing that we are both humans and that we make mistakes.
Finally, I learned that it is okay to grieve in friendships that you no longer have. Currently, I am experiencing this, and it is difficult. When you set boundaries things are not going to be the same as they were and change is hard. Although it is a process, time does heal.