Let’s be clear: Cheating
Let’s be clear about cheating without the b.s. excuses or explanations, just 100% honesty. IT IS SELFISH, yes, but is it the symptom or the choice? It’s too easy to say both, so let’s start with the time when I cheated and we can try to be transparent.
First, I am in love with my boyfriend despite what I did or whatever “if you loved him you wouldn’t’t have did it” counter-arguments we can make. He’s my partner, my friend, that’s my dawg. A few months ago, I couldn’t’t even imagine being touched by another man but a lot changes in a few months. The one thing that hasn’t changed is the fact that I still love him with my whole heart and it’s the most heartbreaking thing to know I betrayed him but this isn’t about how sorry I am, I want to talk about why.
Okay sis, what’s tea?
I learned that sometimes when it’s hard to make a real difference in your life, people tend to make drastic changes in situations they can actually control. In my case, there were a lot of factors that contributed. College life period! In addition to paying rent when you cant afford to live on campus and health concerns and being so far from family, my relationship was the only thing that worked on its own which made it the only thing that I could self-sabotage. I didn’t’t realize that’s what I was doing but that doesn’t’t make me less guilty because none of this would’ve happened if I hadn’t’t let another man in. It started with a brief moment of weakness that turned into a lot of moments of weakness. That moment of weakness was a few seconds of eye contact and a smile. A few seconds that had the power to ruin 1 year and a half of commitment and promises and love that should have been stronger on my end.
It should’ve have stayed a simple crush but I literally couldn’t’t get him out of my head. Being on campus for this long, nobody else took my eyes of my boyfriend. He was always more than enough in every aspect. The only way I can try to justify my attraction to Marcus (the other guy) would be because of how different he was from the norm of my life. Different look, different interests, different scene, different everything but it was all surface level. I told myself to ignore it, that I couldn’t’t possibly blow up my whole life for a simple crush because he wasn’t’t worth it and he wasn’t’t worth it but I blew up my life anyway. I liked being pursued again. The attention I was getting felt good. He wanted me even though he knew I was unavailable and I liked that. The problem wasn’t’t me being attracted to someone else or me having guy friends. The problem lied with me choosing to entertain what I knew was inappropriate being in a relationship.
So why didn’t’t you just leave?
Jody cheated on Yvette all day long, but it was all cool because he’s man and its in his nature and it didn’t’t mean he didn’t’t love Yvette because he came back to her every night (except when he went back home to his momma but that’s not the point). But when Yvette talked to Snoop Dogg while he was in jail, he was so appalled by her he couldn’t’t take it. My point is, men and women cheat for different reasons and the spouse may or may not accept it for different reasons. I cheated because I told myself I wasn’t’t doing anything wrong until I couldn’t’t justify it anymore. Personally, it’s hard for me to take accountability when I know I’m doing wrong. I wanted to entertain Marcus, I wanted to see how far I could go just so I could retreat at the last minute but that’s not how things worked with us. I told myself that I could never really cheat on my man because I didn’t’t want him to leave me and I could never leave him. I thought I was playing Marcus so long until I really looked at myself and realized I had to stop lying to myself because I had already cheated. I didn’t’t want to lose my boyfriend and I couldn’t’t keep up the charade that I was some player and could have my dude on the side.
What now?
My man has always been more than enough for me, the problem was never him and what I wasn’t’t getting from him. The problem wasn’t’t me being attracted to someone else or me having guy friends. The problem lied with me choosing to entertain what I knew was inappropriate for someone in an relationship.
When I admitted to cheating, I lied and said it was for no reason because there was a reason. I wanted to test the boundaries of my relationship, I wanted to assert the control I had over my life but obviously I chose the wrong way to do that.
Marcus and I no longer speak and my boyfriend and I aren’t together anymore. He decided to leave me after I told him the truth which I don’t blame him. If I was going to make the decision to take control over my life, I should have started with something that would have made a positive difference. Now I have to work on myself alone which is probably where I should’ve started