The Thing About Break-ups & First Loves

Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure breaking up with someone is always going to be hard, but breaking up with your first love, your first boyfriend, it has a different sting to it. I was going into my sophomore year of college and I was dating the nicest boy. On some days, he could make me laugh until I cried, and on other days he could turn my crying into laughter. He was an amazing first boyfriend. 


But that was also my biggest issue with our entire relationship -- he was my FIRST boyfriend. I was so inside my head during our relationship that I was essentially ruining it from the inside out. I always wondered if I was supposed to be experiencing other things; other people. Or if there was someone else I was supposed to be with. Sometimes I would wonder what it was like to be single in college.


Ultimately, I decided to end things. I never told him, but I threw up three times on the day I was planning on breaking up with him. Needless to say, I was nervous. This boy and I had dated for over a year, he wasn’t just a minor detail in my story. We genuinely loved each other. I told him over and over again that I was sorry, but I couldn’t even get the actual words out of my mouth. I physically couldn’t bring myself to say “I want to break up”. He knew though. He knew and I could see the devastation written all over his face. I cried so hard that night, I had to pull over on my drive home from his house because I couldn’t see or breathe. I prayed to any God I could think of to let it not be a mistake. I hung out with my best friends that night and they turned my crying into laughter and made me laugh until I cried. 


Months later, I went with my mom to visit my grandma. She asked me about the boy and I had to inform her that we broke up. She apologized and held my hand. She told me that before she met my grandfather, she had dated a man; her first boyfriend. She said breaking up with him was the hardest thing she ever had to do. After she and my grandfather had been married for ten years and had children, they moved to the area she had grown up in. She had searched her first boyfriend on Facebook to see if he still lived in the area. She told me she thinks about him still and she’s been happily married for 50 years.


Breaking up with anyone is hard because not only do you lose your boyfriend, but you also lose your best friend. Having your first love is the first time you’ve let yourself be vulnerable on that level to anyone. I still regret the way I handled my first breakup and the way I handled things afterward. I still wish for nothing, but the best for him. I hope he finds someone in the world who can make him laugh until he cries and turns his crying into laughter. Breaking up with him was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but he will always have a place in my heart.