It has come to my attention that many online lists about how to mend a broken heart were clearly written by people who obviously were not suffering from broken heart at that very moment. Perhaps they have suffered through one in the past, but in my opinion, someone offering advice-based reflection on their own experiences while they are currently in a place of contentment is just not the advice those currently afflicted appreciate. For that reason, I would like to offer my (un)professional (un)advice.
A word of caution: I would like to state that this article is not to be taken too seriously. As an (un)professional, I cannot condone any behavior that involves removing the heart from the chest cavity of a human being for the purpose of re-assembling broken pieces. For one thing, you (the broken-hearted) are probably also an (un)professional when it comes to anatomy, but even if you aren’t, surgery performed on oneself is risky. This also does not mean that you should seek out fellow collegiettes™ who HAVE taken anatomy and physiology, for though they may be able to locate the heart within your body, cadaver hearts are very different from beating hearts. If you are reading this, your heart is still beating, and that’s a start. Keeping this in mind, please put down the duct tape along with your surgical scalpel and body atlas and continue reading.
Advice for the heartbroken:
1. Cry. Cry a lot. Is there a song that really pulls at your heartstrings? Play it on repeat. Don’t just let the tears roll—really SOB. Red eyes, snot, uncontrollable breathing (or not breathing at all), wailing—the whole works. Feel like throwing up? You’re almost there. You should feel like whatever god you believe in has just reached down out of the sky and is trying to squeeze you like a lemon. Really put your whole body into it. Cry until you can’t cry anymore. This is not weakness—this is purging. Trust me, you’ll feel better.
2. Assemble a voodoo doll. I recommend three options. First, you could take a teddy bear or another stuffed animal that you received as a gift from your ex and proceed to torture the thing. For those of you who would rather have a more representational pin cushion or those who don’t like the idea of animal cruelty, you could Google a pattern for a voodoo doll and then use markers or paint to make the doll really come to life. If you don’t have access to fabric and sewing machine, paper representations will work in a pinch. For those of you who really want to make an impact though, I recommend the following website: http://www.pinstruck.com/whatispinstruck.htm.
This is a website where collegiettes can go to make an e-voodoo dolls AND, if you know your ex’s email address, Pinstruck will send them the voodoo doll you personalized for them anonymously (though if the break-up was recent, your ex will probably know it was you.) This is great for long-distance break-ups, but can be used for ex’s in close proximity as well. I have personally used this website with great results. Please use with discretion.
3. Buy a pint of ice cream and indulge. My personal favorite is the trifecta of awesome: Ben & Jerry’s Karamel Sutra, which is caramel ice cream, chocolate ice cream, completed nicely with a caramel core. However, you should choose one of your favorites. For those who are vegan or lactose intolerant, I recommend Soy Dream dairy-free ice cream – the Butter Pecan is fantastic. It’s slightly cheaper than Ben & Jerry’s. Do not count calories while eating your ice cream. Look at it this way: depending on the size of your ex, you just lost between 120-220 pounds of bullsh*t.
4. Make a list of your ex’s flaws. Be as specific as possible. Invite your friends over for a girl’s night with popcorn and cocktails (or mocktails if you’re under 21.) Proceed to laugh hysterically at every item on your list. How great is it that you no longer have to put up with those things?! Also, take lots of obnoxious photos, including everyone’s, “I’m-a-bear-and-I’m-about-to-maul-
you” face. See attached photo.
5. Was there something that you did that your ex didn’t like? Do it all the time. Do it with fervor. If they didn’t like the way you wore your hair or they never wanted to go to certain places with you, change your hair and go where you want to go. Enjoy being you.
6. Remember, bears can naturally smell heart breakers within a 20-mile radius. Many species of bear native to North America will even awake from hibernation to maul a person who has recently stomped on the heart of another. Keep this in mind whenever you can’t stop thinking about your ex.
If you broke up with your partner:
- My only (un)advice is to learn how to outrun an angry bear. I hear that they can sometimes be bribed with donuts. Plan B could include moving to Antarctica, the only continent with no bears, or Australia, since the koala bear is actually a marsupial and not a bear. However, koala bears don’t like heart breakers either and have been known to utilize ancient torture techniques using only eucalyptus leaves.
On a less humorous note, some relationships were just not meant to be and some break-ups don’t always happen with the intention of smashing someone’s heart. As long as you were gracious, you should be able to avoid the wrath of your ex or any bear you may encounter. Good luck!