I’m the kind of girl that always needs a plan. I have many “to do” lists, planners, and lists. I enjoy the satisfaction of checking things off and having an organized future. Lately, I’ve really struggled with what I want to spend my life doing, and it makes me so unsure of myself. It seems like my passions won’t make me money, or I won’t become popular enough in my endeavors to earn anything. I’m not really sure what I’m doing or where my life is headed, and that scares me a lot.
I’ve considered every possible job that interests me: teaching, social work, journalism, fashion retail, being an author, editing for a magazine, broadcasting, etc. It always comes back to music, which is my passion, but then I have an internal debate because music is one of the riskiest career choices there is. I don’t want to end up on street corners with my guitar trying to make ends meet. If I can’t do what I’m dying to do, where does that leave me?
These thoughts have been making me feel hopeless and lost. I call my mom almost every day to discuss new ideas with her, and she tells me every time to take a breath. She says I have so much time to decide and I shouldn’t worry. Here’s the thing, though, I NEED A PLAN. I feel like I’m wasting my time if I don’t have direction. I do not want to dedicate three years of my life to a degree I don’t end up using, or end up hating the career options it offers. So I’ve been debating how to decide what to do with my life. How can I make a difference doing what I love? How can I support myself or my future family without a high paying job? I have so many questions, and not one answer. The worst part is that no one can decide for me. This is something I have to do on my own, and I’m not very comfortable with that. So what’s the next step?
I have come to the conclusion that I don’t have all the time in the world to make my major life decisions, but I do have enough time to try new things and let it all play out. I plan to study abroad in Ireland in the fall, and while I’m there I will travel to other parts of Europe, embracing the unknown. I’m not going there to escape my problems or run away, but rather to get reacquainted with who I am in my core, and how I can best use my passions and talents in my life. I want to use this time to decide what is really important to me. I’m hoping that seeing new places, meeting new people, and experiencing new cultures will show me just how big the world is, and how much more there is to life than a job. I want to try everything and see everything. I want to take pictures at the Trevi Fountain, put my thirteen years of Spanish to good use, dress like a Parisian and strut through France like I own the place. In the wise words of François Rabelais, “I go to seek a great perhaps.” I’m going to find what might happen, and what it all might lead to.
Hopefully somewhere along the way it will all click for me. I’ll be taking in some beautiful view and all of a sudden I’ll know where I belong in the world. If it doesn’t happen for me, though, at least I will have grown and ventured out into the world. I will have had crazy adventures with my friends and tried new things. There are no definitive answers in life, and no guarantees. The best we can do is try to figure out what’s best for us, and if we turn out to be wrong, try something else. There’s no need to put pressure on ourselves to get it right the first time. Each mistake and experience gets us closer and closer to where we’re meant to be, and eventually, we will get there. We just might need to make a few stops and take some detours along the way. So take my mom’s advice and breathe. Your great perhaps might not be a trip around the world, but there are so many other things to go out and experience. Just keep trying until something feels right. There’s no rush and there will be joy in the journey. Forget about the lists and the plans and just go. Go seek your great perhaps.
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