Awards season is one of the most important times in fashion. Not only does it bring out the most gorgeous looks on gorgeous people, making you consider purchasing a lot of Ben and Jerry’s or a really expensive gym membership, it can actually serve as a humble reminder that sometimes celebrities make mistakes too. Not to say they’re human (we all know celebrities will always be on an ethereal plain of existence that’s simply better than that of the common folk—don’t be mistaken), but they too make fashion faux pas. Thanks to the hard work of critics like the Fashion Police on E!, these red carpet catastrophes can help the proletariat learn to be a little more glamorous. Here are some five of the most important lessons we learned from this awards season’s Worst Dressed.
1. Dress to impress everyone aside from yourself!
Awards season isn’t about celebrating your success, silly. No one’s really that concerned if Hidden Fences wins an Oscar or not, it’s the red carpet that matters. You haven’t won anything until you’ve strutted down that carpet and let critics scrutinize your outfit, makeup, hair, shoes, jewellery, nails, date, family tree and insurance records. The opinion of the Fashion Police is law, crafted and honed tirelessly after years of making fun of people on live TV (a skill the commoners could only dream of achieving). Basically, you aren’t dressing for yourself on award night—or on any night, for that matter. Actually, it’s probably easiest if you just surrender all personal agency and let someone else dress you in the hopes that you gain the approval of those around you. And if you don’t, you better just hope that your outfit is unique enough that Margaret Cho can use it for another tastefully racist and appropriately vulgar joke.
(Pascal Le Segretain/Getty Images)
2. Put it away…
Too much skin is offensive. And yes, there is a threshold for what’s considered too raunchy for the public gaze and what is a sensibly sensual amount of exposure: you can only have a combined two square feet of skin showing between the collarbone and the ankle bone (excluding arms, although they are still considered controversial by certain critics). The Fashion Police really do measure. Furthermore, don’t even think about freeing that nipple. Social justice may be some sort of upcoming trend, but there’s nothing socially just about making people acknowledge the biological realities of your female form. Gross. If you really feel the need to be forward thinking then stick an ACLU pin on or something—keep it classy and conservative for the sake of the children.
3. …but still on display.
Although revealing too much any part of your body is a big no, that doesn’t mean to say that you have to pretend you don’t have a body. Your outfit should be form-fitting as possible to make it easy for the police to classify your figure (hourglass, perfect, slim, mom bod or needs work). Anyone wearing a baggy or shapeless outfit will be assumed to be hiding an embarrassing weight gain and/or pregnant. Don’t be difficult and make people guess the angles of your figure—there is important quantitative research to be done on the red carpet and jeopardizing it is not only selfish but petty. And petty is the last thing the Fashion Police aspire to be.
(Frazer Harrison/Getty Images)
4. Playing it safe is losing the game.
It’s just so sad when people decide to dress in a way that makes them feel comfortable. You have any other day to hang out in the comfort zone; on an important night like the Emmys or the Grammys you MUST be risky and put yourself through hell. No one has comfortably smiled on the red carpet in years any ways, so if you look uncomfortable you’ll fit right in—but make sure you still stand out. Your outfit should do something that’s never been done before. Why wear fiery red when you could actually be on fire? Now THAT’S a trailblazing idea.
(Kevin Winter/Getty Images; Kevin Mazur/WireImage)
5. And WHATEVER YOU DO, never, EVER, wear anything REMOTELY similar to another woman’s gown.
This is the worst mistake you can make—wearing the same gown not only sets you up for uncensored comparison between you and the other woman in every imaginable way (not just who wore it better, but who’s the more aesthetically pleasing, who’s more likely to have voted Republican, who’s better at singing in the shower, EVERYTHING), you two will literally have to battle to the death because having two people wear the same outfit simply cannot happen. I actually heard this kind of mishap risks tearing a hole in the space-time continuum. The only way to amend the dishonour is simply eliminating one of the duplicates—and make sure you still look nice while battling for your life—not one drop of sweat! Winners never sweat.