2018 simultaneously felt like the longest and shortest year ever. I can’t believe it’s already January, but also that Black Panther premiered last year? How is that even possible?
So typical of endings, as the new year begins, I’m left reflecting on the triumphs and tribulations of 2018. I spent the majority of my youth drowning in waves of unhappiness. I was discontent with my brain, being, and body and I became my own worst critic. Compounded with childhood trauma and expectations, I spent the majority of those years depressed, unable to float in the moments of love and happiness life created for me.
The tides shifted last year, or rather I did. I fought harder than ever for happiness and the moments that took my breath away in a good way. I learned to cope, to love the woman I’ve become, to rise above expectations and revel in the moments that surrounded me with love.
It was the happiest year of my life, and it all started with a New Year’s resolution list, created in May.
The first half of the year taught me the reality of life’s shifting tides. I was never a New Year’s resolution kinda girl, especially last year as I started it with my life seemingly in order. I had supportive friends, family, and love, and was doing well in the areas in my life that mattered to me. I didn’t feel the need to make a list of goals, hopes, and wishes because everything I wanted was just working out. And then I went through a really rough patch with my depression, fell out of love and lost a couple of friends I thought I’d have for life. On the outside, it seemed like I was composed and sailing through, but I was a mess, frustrated with the fact that my life was now a downward whirlpool.
Tired of self-pity and my inability to move forward, I tore a paper from an old notebook and made a list that– for the first time ever– put me first. I focused on what I wanted from life and made attainable goals.
“Yeah, I made my peace with all the sorrow. And now I’m livin’ for tomorrow.” – Little Mix
And for the rest of the year, I scratched that list off, one by one. I went skydiving and tried to be more present with my family and friends. I forgave myself for procrastinating and I was striving to be more open with my feelings.
I learned the hard way that I wasn’t going to succeed at everything I jotted down, and that I wouldn’t be happy every single day. There were setbacks and mistakes, and days where the air would rush out of my lungs so that I wouldn’t have the breath to get out of my bed. But that was okay because no matter how bad today was, tomorrow was always a little better.
It’s never too early or too late to choose happy, to change the parts of your life that disturb your peace. Because at the end of the day, all you have is you! So rip that piece of paper now, write down your today, tomorrow and your forever resolutions. No need to wait for the 31st.