This week, February 21-28th, is National Eating Disorder Awareness Week. To recognize that, we’re sharing the words of some people who are altogether too familiar with eating disorders and the havoc they wreak.
Today, we’re sharing the story of Emily. She is currently fighting to recover from Anorexia Nervosa, having battled with illnesses the majority of her adolescent life. (Editor’s Note: I met Emily myself some five years ago while we both were in a treatment facility together. To know her and know her battle is to know the face of courage and resilience. I thank her gratefully and humbly for her strength and willingness to talk about her struggles and spread her message).
What do you picture when you hear the words “eating disorder” Do you associate the term with a pretty, vain, emaciated female with nothing to her but bone and human flesh? Or do you picture the other extreme; maybe a Tumblr post of a young teenager with her finger down her throat and a caption reading “FAT” in big, bold, ominous-looking font?
Let me tell you – eating disorders manifest themselves in countless ways, and no two people face the exact same struggle. Yes, many eating disorders do intermingle, and yes, out there in this vast world you will find hard facts and evidence that structure people into types and subtypes of disorders. Notwithstanding that, an eating disorder is a multi-faceted diagnosis that can and often will take on many forms—from Anorexia Nervosa to Bulimia Nervosa, Binge-eating Disorder, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (EDNOS), or any combination thereof.
The most puzzling question regarding eating disorders tends to be this: what is the underlying root cause? Given my personal experiences dealing with an eating disorder, believe me when I say that eating disorders are messy in their diagnosis, and unrelenting in their ferocity. The upsetting and chaotic quarrels of life are only some of the triggers that play on the mind, leaving one open and vulnerable to attack from one’s eating disorder. Factors that predispose an individual include a perfectionistic personality, child/adulthood trauma, black-and-white thinking, genetics, a family history of mental illness, extreme weight loss (often through diet and exercise), and many others that are often hard to detect or even describe. Whether it is a major or minor symptom that appears, I will mention that no eating disorder should be loosely treated. The problem at hand is one that needs to be immediately addressed and corrected before it is able to get worse, which often happens if problems fly beneath the radar of care and/or importance.
I’ve witnessed over the years that some people like to state “I kind of have an eating disorder”, or “I have eating issues and I make myself throw up sometimes but it’s not extreme”. Even prior to and going into my most recent hospital admission I had people mentioning to family, as well as me, how “severely ill” I had become (I too will agree that I had reached my lowest point in terms of physical deterioration going into my hospital stay, but that is aside from my point). I am hesitant to use the term “severity” when discussing the bodily and cerebral cradles for the illness.
Even such, it appears to be that individuals with highly visible signs of illness (especially those with severe anorexia—a statistic I played out quite accurately) are the ones often receiving the highest degree of facilitated care and attention. Make note that after my referral to the Toronto General Hospital Eating Disorders Unit in August 2015, I waited until January 2016 to receive an available bed on the ward. The largest adult eating disorders facility in the country? That very facility.
It is so underfunded that people can wait almost a year to be offered treatment. There are men and women out there who are sick and starving – dying- from their eating disorders, have a willingness to recover (you need to possess a desire to want to recover to stay in this program), but aren’t getting the treatment they urgently require when they put in their request. Because of that, NEDA week is all about getting the word out now. People can scarcely afford to wait days for treatment, let alone months. They need help.
The fact of the matter when it comes to eating disorders is that they are legitimate problems, with the highest mortality rate of any mental illness. No matter how small or inconspicuous it appears to the rest of world, every eating disorder, no matter how minor, deserves treatment. We all need support. Even the lucky ones who are not struggling from physical or mental impairments still need some guidance along the way. We’re human after all, and each one of us deserves the chance to discover our self and the world around. It is the journey within, and throughout, which makes up the true meaning of life.
Every individual, regardless of their gender, age, or sexual orientation deserves to be on this Earth and have their voice heard. Basic living, life-long dreams, traveling, being with people and in society, going to school, achieving purpose—all these aspects get thrown aside when an individual struggles with eating disorder. So it’s time now to make some changes in ourselves, and eachother, so that people with eating disorders can go on to lead a healthy, happy lives they are capable and deserving of.
My own struggle with an eating disorder dates back 7 years, as I was slowly but surely about to face the crossroads of childhood and adolescence. Childhood served me quite well in terms of proper development and maturity: I had my first experience with boobs (and had to face the bra shopping fiasco) at age 8; I got my period at 10 (which, matter of fact, is not uncommon). But there were times throughout my childhood when girls would come up and ask me why I was wearing a bra; questions not posed as an inquiry, but as a way to, I thought, torment me for being chubby, the chesty 8-year-old, the one who had her first menstrual cycle the same week classes about sexual education began. I was the girl who sat there, laughing and gawking with all the others at the site of a tampon or pad, meanwhile slowly turning inward on myself.
I developed feelings of self-shame, self-hate, bodily disgust, and desires to escape. Escape from my body, from my mind, from myself. I abhorred the young woman I had become. I wanted to get away from the changes happening in my body. I wanted to shut myself off from myself, from the world, and run, break away, and leave behind all the hurt and pain my childhood had caused me. So I began to walk, then run, and for the past 7 years I’ve been running away from all the problems of the past; problems that are so deep-rooted within me that I’ve allowed to take hold of me, gobble me up and swallow me whole.
I’ve become a submissive to my eating disorder. I’ve allowed it to seep through me and fill my bodily kaleidoscope with it’s own colours in dark, vindictive, malicious hues. Today, I’m still working to put those memories in the past, where they belong. I still battle, day in and day out, with symptoms of anorexia—restriction, over exercise, and shame. I deal with lots of shame, guilt, self-aversion, and body aversion, every single day. The eating disorder is extremely territorial: it doesn’t want anyone, or anything, occupying its role in me. I’m it’s puppet, it’s muse, it’s sole source of life and entertainment. Each waking moment my eating disorder tries to dominate and choose what I eat, what not to eat, when to walk, when to sit, what to do, what to say, and what not to say to people and to myself; if it’s good for me, it’s bad for the eating disorder, and the eating disorder does not enjoy a challenge.
So when the going gets tough, as it has, the tough knocks me over. My eating disorder barges in, screams louder into my thoughts, invades my cognition, and tries to take hold of every aspect of my life. So I avoid the troubled thoughts, the harsh criticisms, the difficult situations, because I’ve found comfort in letting the ED take over and make decisions for me. As you may have experienced, it’s always easier to avoid problems when you have a familiar person or “thing” willing to take the reigns for you.
I once had a very insightful therapist tell me that the eating disorder is a comfort because it is The Devil I Know; and through that knowing, I can use it as a way to cope and suppress; my cloak it has become; my way of hiding from the rest of the world. Although over the years and even now I’m still learning how there really is no use in avoiding, for avoidance only heightens the issue and worsens my eating disorder. When we suppress, we are in a way avoiding the life, our awareness, and running farther and farther away from the thing we are all trying to grasp: the Divine; the Good; the Self. Why? Because we’d rather stick with the Devil, for he/she is what we know.
Struggle and pain are natural human occurrences, and not ones we can completely avoid. Heartbreak, addiction, stress, death, and shame are life’s adversities that we must stay resilient through. I am not insisting that we view them as the “better” periods of life, but the periods in which we can learn, grow, and move forward from with more wisdom and appreciation for life’s little treasures. During the hard times, hold true to your Self and remember the beautiful parts of life, the parts we find happiness and peace in; for even though they too will pass, they are the parts to live for.
So please celebrate your life today, and everyday. Know that dark days are still ahead, but dance and rejoice in the now, for all these moments are what make up the Good. In honour of National Eating Disorder Awareness Week, I ask that you keep in mind and plead for all the individuals out there struggling with this befuddling battle—one that manifests not only in the body but the mind; a battle that too often goes untreated and unrecognized, not only because of its many layers of diagnosis but the ubiquitously negative misrepresentation of the disease.
Eating disorders are not cries of vanity. They’re an illness like any other, one that demands more awareness, treatment and prevention. Eating disorders are not irremediable illnesses—they can be treated, and the answers are out there. Albeit without the proper awareness and funding available to search and dig out those answers, we will never solve the worldwide dilemma. People with eating disorders are sick people. People with eating disorders are starving, purging, exercising to unconsciousness. Each day, everywhere, people with eating disorders are dying. So why aren’t we, as a nation, as a people, fulfilling our wholesome duties and do Good in the world, and to solve the issue of eating disorders?
No one chooses to be sick. Women and men do not choose to be stricken with eating disorders.. We would never hold back if someone was choking to death for air, so let’s not stand by and watch these individuals suffer, alone, because they’re too afraid or mentally unable to ask for help. Reach out and lend a hand—but do not expect it to be wholly and gratuitously met. Work with these people; work against their disorders, and walk with them to a better tomorrow.
Feel free to visit the NEDIC/NEDA website for all things treatment, prevention, funding, etc. I want to solve the problem of eating disorders. I need to know what causes them, so I can stop them from happening—but I can’t do it all alone. I need your help. We need funding for research, funding for treatment, more awareness, better awareness, and offering continued support for all the people out there suffering RIGHT NOW. Bring awareness to this issue in any way you can; I do not care how it’s done. Scream. Dance. Paint yourself blue and call yourself the eating disorder avatar that has fallen from the sky to come and elucidate the worldwide struggle.
If you promise to meditate on my words with earnest and help in whatever way you can, my promise in return will be to keep fighting my own battle with the Eating Disorder; a battle I hope to beat, a battle I WILL BEAT, and a battle we will find a cure for.
We shall one day not have to face another day where this illness lives on and robs people of the Self—the Good, the essence, the togetherness of us as One.
For the sake NEDAW, I leave you now with a message from the makers of NEDIC
“It’s not our bodies that need changing. It’s our attitudes.”
(Editor’s note: If you’re interested in following Emily’s story, or reading more about her journey, please visit her blog)