Working in the service industry you learn that sexualization is often part of the job. Working as a hostess in a small town restaurant was by far the worst case. I am racially ambiguous and for some reason, men loved to tell me how “exotic” I am. As I bussed tables they would tell me that they loved *whatever race they misidentified me as* women.
I learned quickly that men would often hand me tips if I grinned and bared it for awhile. It was an uncomfortable lesson because I was underage at the time and looked like it. Yet time after time grown men in the restaurant would sexualize me.
One time a group of four old men sat at my booth. The one would not stop talking to me and saying how beautiful I was. As I was clearing his table for him he asked the dreaded question.
Do you have a boyfriend?
Every woman knows that when you are talking to someone who is creepy the answer is always “yes”. After I answered he cheekily asked if I would like another and I had no choice but to laugh at his joke. Wanting to get out of the situation I reached for his buddy’s plate. The customer decided that smacking my ass was a respectable thing to do. His friends laughed but I didn’t see the humor in what just happened. When I told my boss what the man had done to me I was told that, “It was part of the job” and that “I should just get used to it.”. My boss had a young daughter and I couldn’t help but wonder how furious he would be if someone told her that.
Despite the fact that I was a minor nothing was ever done about this. The man kept showing up every weekend and I would have to serve him. I can’t say this enough. I was a minor. My boss should have called the police or at the very least kicked the customer out of the restaurant. I quit my job because I was tired of being afraid that he’d touch me again.
For anyone who needs to hear it your waitress isn’t into you. Your barista is not into you. Your hostess is not into you. If a woman is being kind to you in the service industry then she is more than likely doing her job. She has to be nice to you. She has to laugh at your jokes. Because, if she doesn’t and she manages to upset you she won’t get her tip. She’ll get reprimanded by her boss if you complain. She’s afraid that you’ll make a scene. The woman who is serving you has to make you feel good about yourself because her tip/salary/livelihood depends upon customer service.
If you abuse this situation then you are being predatory and gross. And you should stop it. You might say that flirting is harmless. That I should feel flattered that people are interested in me. That I should feel grateful because my tips are better because of men’s flirting. But I shouldn’t have to feel like a piece of meat while trying to make a living. I shouldn’t have to leave a job because I’m afraid of being sexually harassed.
If a woman is working then don’t flirt with her. If she likes you then she’ll give you her number or something. She’ll initiate the interaction. But, if she doesn’t then just accept it; she’s just not into you.