When I was sixteen, I remember being “in love” with this guy. We were good friends and I was dropping hints that I was interested. I was about to get the courage to ask him out when he said every black girl’s dreaded phrase: “I would never date a black girl.” This was followed by the racist notion that they are too much work because they have attitudes and that they’re “ghetto” (a phrase that I’ve come to personally loath). When I pointed out that I’m black, his answer was that I was only half. He paused for a second and said, “Besides, you’re not like other black girls.” As if separating me from half of my identity would make me feel any better.
The thing is, he’s not wrong; I’m mixed raced. My skin is light. I have loose curls and freckles across my European features. Many people struggle to define my racial identity until I tell them that I’m mixed. In a world full of racism, I’m lucky to not have to face colorism, the prejudiced based on shade of a person’s skin. I can’t speak on every black girl’s dating experience.
However, I am well-versed in what it’s like to be judged based on your skin. I don’t have the entitlement to anger that other races have because I’m afraid of perpetuating a stereotype. I can’t argue with a boy like other girls can. Instead of coming off as flirty or strong minded, I come off as “ghetto” or “mean.” I always have to be aware of the fact that if I want to date anyone, they have to challenge society’s images of blackness.
Even if someone is into black girls, there’s always the risk of fetishization. I heard horror stories about dates asking black girls to twerk for them. Or that they never dated a black girl and they’re looking for something more “exotic.” I personally have been asked by SOs why I don’t act black. It was a challenge to embrace my blackness and a challenge to define it as well. For the first stages of dating, I’m keenly aware of my race.
Between the rejection, the stereotyping, and the colorism, it’s hard for black girls to date. I felt like I would never be loved, that nobody would be able to accept me because of my skin color.
But black is beautiful. Every shade of brown deserves to be loved. Everyone. Deserves. Love. And although it’s harder for black women to find love, it’s not impossible. You just have to have faith that someone will love you for who you are. Not despite your race. Not because of your race. But because you are you. And there’s nothing more beautiful than embracing yourself.