Take out your phone and open up any music app. Pull up any Metro Boomin, Future, or 21 Savage song, and you’ll see that the language surrounding the use of Xanax in hip hop has taken on a dangerous tone of glorification. It’s pop culture and media references like these that draw young people to experiment with hard drugs. If celebrities have that much fun on it, how bad can it be?
It’s no secret Rollins is more than just a party school- if you’re looking for them, drugs are easy to access, commonly used, and considered a social norm for people who go out frequently. Many of my guy friends had been going through a bit of a Xanax phase earlier in the semester, taking it on the weekends for enjoyment rather than for relieving anxiety. I’m one to warn but never judge, so I continued to party with them, even though I knew they wouldn’t remember much of it.
They’d described drinking on Xanax as a relaxing, mellowed-out drunk sensation, and I had to admit I was curious about the “I don’t give a f**ck” feeling everyone claims Xanax amplifies. As someone who already suffers from panic attacks, the idea of a night completely rid of social anxiety started becoming more and more attractive.
So, there was a Gatsby event at Elixir one humid spring weekend and I decided that would be the perfect time to try it. I usually drink on the weekends, and I’ve tried Xanax occasionally for my panic attacks, so what could go wrong with both? I was beyond excited to get tipsy with my friends while also under the relaxing influence of Xanax.
That is not how I would describe the experience I had.
Anytime I have ever lost my memory on a night out, it’s because it sneaks up on me and never because I intentionally want to black out. I’ve never enjoyed putting the pieces of the puzzle together after a night that could have been a nice memory. So, you can imagine the horror and panic that arose inside me when I had to be told by all of my friends what I had done that night. My memory felt completely erased and I had zero recollection of entering or leaving the club, let alone what happened inside.
Next thing I know, I apparently took someone home who I’d been flirting with, and walked out into my living room naked from the waist down. When my best friend told me this the next day, I immediately recognized that that is something I would never normally do if I had just been drunk. Drinking disorients you and can bring you to make decisions you normally wouldn’t, but I know myself and what I’m capable of. This wasn’t me being silly, or flirty or drunk- this was the Xanax.
Luckily, the viewer of my little peep-show was someone I’d been talking to for months so we were able to laugh it off the next day and even have another chance at seeing each other naked in a more normal way. But the scary part is, I was so out of control of my own actions that he could’ve been anyone, and I could’ve ended up anywhere. If my best friend hadn’t been there to hide my naked bottom and bring humour to the situation, my embarrassment levels would have spiked from 10 out of 10 to a 14.
Aside from the danger of being incoherent and unaware, I was bummed I had essentially been absent for a night I had been looking forward to. I couldn’t wait to dress up and head downtown with my girls, only to come home without a single memory. I think almost everyone has had a moment (or moments) in college where they pushed their limits or felt peer pressured. For me, turning into an entirely different person for a night and making a fool of myself in front of my crush was enough to make me never want to drink on Xanax again- and I don’t suggest you ever do either.