For some, Easter may mean time spent with loved ones at home and a meaningful religious holiday spread across a long weekend. For others, it may just mean a few days off with no religious meaning whatsoever.
But I think a lot of us fall in the middle—a mixture of family time, an Easter service to remind you how long it’s been since you’ve gone to church (and the consequent guilt), and some much needed sleep.
Regardless, I know my gender. I know my age. I know how these things go. Easter has an agenda, and even if you are celebrating Jesus’ resurrection, you’re also celebrating an Instagram that you know is gonna snag up a lot of likes. Really, it’s ok; we’re all a little shallow. This trait just comes out a little more when it’s the most inappropriate—on a religious holiday. See checklist below for your stunna Instagram you’re going to post in the next 24 hours.
Do you have your Easter dress picked out? Is it a brand new dress you bought months ago preparing for this day? Everyone knows an Easter dress is sacred and of the utmost importance. Must be pink, yellow, or light blue. Maybe mint. No fall colors allowed. Other potential requirements: must have lace, must pair with Kentucky Derby-style hat, must make you look like an Easter egg.
You have to wear heels. Sorry. Not much flexibility here.
The hat was already mentioned, but also deserves to have its own category. The circumference of this hat must be at least the size of a large pizza. Also the further south you live, the bigger the hat.
Make sure your siblings are looking dapper. Have a brother? If he’s not wearing seersucker or one of the aforementioned Easter colors, he’s got to change or he doesn’t get to be in the photo. But he really should be in the photo—all siblings should be in the photo. Everyone knows that siblings = likes. This is integral. Also a prime time to showcase that there are other humans on the planet you care about besides yourself, in case this is something you are worried about.
Does Dad like to take pictures from weird angles, or hold the iPhone horizontally? No. No. No, none of that’s allowed. Give that iPhone to Mom. She knows what’s up. Everyone knows that taking horizontal pictures on an iPhone stretches you out, and that Dad has no idea what Instagram is.
You better hope that sun is shining. If it’s not, you know what’s gone wrong. You should have gone to church more often this year. Jesus knows your shallow-ness has hit the roof. Better luck next year. Try to take less selfies.