Rhodes Student Body, it’s time for an intervention. A conversation intervention. Now, don’t get me wrong. I love you all dearly. However, I am dreading the first two weeks back on campus. Yes, dreading. “Why?” all you exclaim, thinking of Welcome Week and syllabus day and sunny Memphis weather, unable to fathom someone not loving every second of the glorious first fourteen days back.
“Hi! How was your summer?”
That’s why.
Honestly, I’m anticipating hearing this banal phrase approximately 234 times a day, which is 233 more times than I ever want to hear it in my entire life.
I have two major issues with this common greeting. Firstly, it’s frequency. Even the most eloquent sentence in the world would sound like a dying cat after endless repetition. And man, is it repeated. Over and over and over again. It’s almost like we’re incapable of thinking of an original sentence. Thus, dying cat status. Secondly, and more importantly, I have an issue with its ineffectiveness.
Let’s play a game. Pretend someone asks you that very question. Without thinking, what is your response? Good. Or great. Or perhaps, if you’re really unique, super. Did you share anything about your summer with that one word? Even if you’re feeling really verbose and use a few sentences rather than a single word, even a full paragraph cannot properly explain the existential malaise and profound boredom that I experienced this summer in Ohio. So there is no way you can describe all the wonderful, exciting, resume boosting things you did this summer. Instead of receiving any true information, you simply exchange bland sentiments with people who are supposedly your friends, elongating the awkward “ah-you’re-my-bestie-but-I-know-nothing-about-how-you-spent-the-last-three-months-of-your-life” situation.
However, rather than continuing my tirade against those five godforsaken words, I’ve decided to pivot this article in a much more positive direction. In the words of my mother, “If you can’t beat them, convince them that something else is even better.” With the hope that the majority of my friends will actually read this article so I don’t have to punch them approximately 30 seconds into our joyous reunion, here they are, the top five things you can say instead:
1). You look so (insert adjective here, such as: tan, fit, blond, pale)! Where did you go (insert place here, such as: to the beach, exercising, get your hair done, studying?!?)?
A subtle compliment will put them in a good mood so they’ll be eager to share, and such a direct question will hone your friend into a specific part of their summer. Hopefully for your sake, an interesting part.
2). Best moment of your summer – go!
With such spontaneity and the slightly demanding nature, this question is much more likely to provide a tidbit you wouldn’t have heard until a few weeks into the semester. And such it was such a pivotal point in their summer, there’s sure to be an entertaining story to follow.
3). What’s the goal for this semester?
I know I know, this one is bold. But whether it’s getting straight A’s, eating a Huey’s burger in under four minutes, or being the high-scorer on the intramural soccer team, this on-the-spot interrogation can reveal your friend’s priorities for the next few months, whether sincere or satirical. Plus, it might just score you an invite out to dinner to witness this Huey’s challenge, which is never a bad thing.
4). I had the most awkward moment ever in June. Think you can top it?
There’s nothing like a little competition to get your friends talking. By starting off with a little self-deprecating humor, your friend will be eager to share theirs just to get into the game. And who doesn’t love hearing stories about their friends embarrassing themselves?
5). Wanna go grab Central?
Because the only thing better than friends is talking to friends with a side of barbeque sauce.