Let’s just cut to the chase, sweetie: this isn’t going to be some heartfelt letter you find in a time capsule 7 or 8 years into the future. Yes—I know you didn’t actually bury the time capsule you made in your ninth grade history class. You didn’t even put it in an envelope, seal it, and shove it into a drawer, which was an alternative. No, this a different kind of letter—this is your future self, whipping you into shape…because you wear some godawful clothes.
First things first. Never, ever, EVER wear a leopard print dress to a homecoming dance ever again. Look, I’m all about animal print—I own some leopard shorts, and regularly borrow my friend’s snakeskin and zebra print shirts (@carolineryan). But here’s the difference—at this point in your life course, you can’t distinguish between tacky animal print and funky/bougie/trendy animal print, so don’t even try. Please. Your friends will Facebook troll you for this fashion choice during your first year of college.
When it’s spirit week, and your class is assigned a “Ninjas” theme for bizarre reasons I don’t remember (what were the other grades? Pirates? Mafia members? Terracotta warriors?), don’t wear an 80’s tennis skirt with your ninja top (TBT to when you dressed up as a ninja three Halloweens ago because you thought you were a tomboy). Ninjas don’t wear tennis skirts, and they certainly don’t wear three-decade-old tennis skirts from a costume box. This was one of the most wack ideas you’ve ever had, just stop while you’re ahead of yourself.
Please stop shopping at Delia’s. They are going to go out of business very, very soon, and wearing long sleeves with thumb holes just isn’t cool and never will be. Neither are whimsical, heart-shaped patterns, layering tanks, or graphic tees with taco puns. Just. Don’t. Do. It. Save your money and buy an iPod or something.
Blue eye shadow? A giant #MissMe. Honestly, I feel like this was a trend that had come and passed, but you still indulged in it like a sociopathic masochist. Where was your common sense? Your awareness of social cues? Was anyone else wearing blue eyeshadow? No? Didn’t think so. Stick to the basics, even though I know your mom (our mom?) won’t let you wear eyeliner yet. Mascara is good. Just stick with that, it’s enough for now.
But…do you know one thing I’m proud of you for? You never once stepped foot in an Abercrombie. Yeah, you were a little scared of the vibe and thought the cute boys folding cologne-soaked shirts would perceive you to be eight years old and shoo you away from the storefront, shaking their heads and tsk-tsking at the child who just attempted to purchase/defile their brand…but this mindset saved you from several moose-stamped pieces of clothing you would later dump in a bag for Plato’s closet. Which is where all of your Hollister attire went.
You aren’t fashionable. I’m not gonna lie. But I’ll cut you SOME slack—you didn’t necessarily know any better. And that’s all right. We live and we learn. But next time there’s a time capsule project, actually save the letter…your 21-year-old self would actually be kinda interested.
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