Written in the Stars: An Astrological Guide to DM Sliding

If you are a person living in the 21st century, miserably equipped with a crush and nothing but their social media contact information, you’ve probably faced the conundrum I’m about to divulge. It’s one of the fundamentals of the university - nay, the human - experience. How do you slide into the DMs? You'll spend hour upon hour annoying your friends, panicking in the group chat: “Should I send 'hey,' 'heyy,' or 'heyyy?'" You’ll philosophize and commiserate about which one properly defines your intentions, and on a broader scale, which one properly defines you as a person.

Don’t you sometimes wish that the right message was written in the stars? Well, don’t bother buying a telescope. After a Google crash course in astrology, I do consider myself an expert in such matters, and I am here to tell you what the galaxy thinks you should say to the object of your affections. So, stalk those tagged photos for "happy birthday!" Instagram posts to correctly classify your cutie’s cosmological camp, and look no further for the opening line that is sure to win them over. Here is how to slide right into the DMs, and ideally stay there - but who knows how scientific this stuff really is?

Aries: March 21 to April 19

If you are chasing an Aries, it’s crucial that you know, “Aries are the leader of the pack, first in line to get things going”.  Aries have a sort of no-holds-barred, go-get-it attitude. I am not here to bolster your self esteem, so with that said, if you have been habitually chatting with an Aries in one of your classes, but they’ve yet to initiate further contact, it’s probably because they don’t want to.

Opening line: Not to be blunt, but maybe just watch He’s Just Not That Into You instead.

Taurus: April 20 to May 20

When wooing the Taurus, “think physical pleasures and material goods, for those born under this sign revel in delicious excess.” The Taurus is romantic, sentimental, and eager to accept your affection in the form of gifts. So, if you’re smitten with a Taurus, make your love known in the sappiest way possible, and maybe flex your capacity to purchase.

Opening line: "Your eyes sparkle like the Pandora princess ring you won’t stop liking tweets about. I get paid on Thursday."

What could possibly go wrong?

Gemini: May 21 to June 20

As a Gemini, I don’t want to sound like I’m bragging here, but they can be wishy-washy, changing their mood on a simple whim. A Gemini rarely has any idea of what they truly want and “is as quick to fall into love as to fall out of it. […] It takes a lot of tricks to keep a Gemini stuck.” A standard Gemini is bored early and bored often.

Really draw upon your most interesting factoids or personality traits to enchant the fickle Gemini.

Opening line: "The Queen owns every swan in England. 0.7% of the world population is always drunk at any given time. I am a world renowned foosball champion."

Don’t waste time worrying about telling the truth. The Gemini will forget what was said before they can fact check.

Cancer: June 21 to July 22

Cancers, symbolized by the crab, tend to retreat into their shells. Troublingly for those taken by them, “it can become a Herculean task to pry a Crab out of its secret hiding place.” Despite this crustacean-like exterior, the Cancer crush is most able shed their shell at home, where they are protected and comfortable. Be that home.

Opening line: "1 bed, 1 bath, charming, homey, family-oriented, and stylish with modern finishes!"

Sold for over asking!

Leo: July 23 to August 22

The Leo considers themselves “centre of the universe, and those who would tell them otherwise had better look out!” Symbolized by the lion, Leos “can’t fathom an uncomfortable throne.” It’s also important to Leos that their mates match their propensity for almost royal pride. Regal diction is sure to steal the Leo’s heart. If you were texting the Queen, would you condescend her with a pathetic, “You up?” No, you would not.

Opening line: "Damn girl, your name must be Anne Boleyn, because I’d reject the Roman Catholic Church to make you my Queen."

It worked for Henry VIII, didn’t it?

Virgo: August 23 to September 22

If you’re making heart eyes at a Virgo, you’ve got your work cut out for you. Virgo’s are “picky about what they bring into their lives.” They “desire to surround themselves with what’s right — for them”. Remember when Sandy from Grease changed herself to impress a boy? Well, if you’re really serious about catching a Virgo, throw on your (metaphorical) skin-tight catsuit and let it be known that you are what’s right — “for them.”

Opening line: "When I was in grade five, I improved my 'collaboration' learning skill from an S (satisfactory) to a G (good). So, yeah, I can change for you too ;)."

A little character development never hurt anyone.

Libra: September 23 to October 22

Your Libra love has no interest in messing around. They want “a relationship with fixed structure and routines. […] In any case, a Libra commits to a partner for life — as long as they agree on what that life should be like.” Interestingly, they “also love the colours of the sunset sky, that melding of ivory, pink and light blue.” In the face of their encapsulation with the beauty of the atmosphere, and their desire to settle down, there’s no time for small gestures.

Opening line: "You are as stunning as the work of the paintbrush of the universe. Let’s get married."

Don’t forget to give HerCampus a shout-out in the wedding vows.

Scorpio: October 23 to November 21

If you’re into a Scorpio, small talk is at the top of the list of "do-not's": “[T]here’s no fluff or chatter for Scorpios, either; these folks will zero in on the essential questions, gleaning the secrets that lie within.” As, “what’s up” does not begin to scratch the surface of the “secrets that lie within,” try something a little more spicy.

Opening line: "Good evening. What’s the worst thing that has ever happened to you? Also, if someone could pinpoint the exact day you were going to die, would you want to know?"

Taylor Swift was wrong. You should not “small talk, work and the weather.”

Sagittarius: November 22 to December 21

Just as profound as the Scorpio, “[at] the end of the day, what Sagittarius wants most is to know the meaning of life, and to accomplish this while feeling free and easy.” That said, you have the easy task of answering questions philosophers have been grappling with for decades, while still exuding easy, breezy, beautiful (Covergirl).

Opening line: "Maybe there is no meaning. Maybe we’re just living in a simulation and someone messed up the code… haha nbd tho, sup?"

First comes existentialism, then comes marriage?

Capricorn: December 22 to January 19

If you’re trying to catch a Capricorn, you should consider investing in some business casual (but more business than casual) attire and a briefcase. It does not matter if anything is actually in the mentioned briefcase. Capricorns approach relationships “like a project or a business venture.” I’m starting to wonder if you have to be a Capricorn to get into Commerce. When attempting to charm a Capricorn, think, "WWJBD (what would Jordan Belfort do)?"

Opening line: "Would love to connect with you… on LinkedIn."

Slide into the DMs of women; get money.

Aquarius: January 20 to February 18

The Aquarius is one of those people whose biggest weakness is that they just spend too much time volunteering. “[T]hose of the Aquarius zodiac sign are humanitarian, philanthropic, and keenly interested in making the world a better place.” One potential angle you could take here is sharing this selfless interest, but on the other hand, don’t we all need to become someone’s charity case once in a while?

Opening line: "I regularly go entire weeks without even looking at a vegetable. Want to make my world a better place?"

Love is never arrogant with pride.

Pisces: February 19 to March 20

The Pisces is a dreamer. They are “totally ready for a devoted relationship, and constantly searching for the perfect one. […] At length, the partner has to live up to the dream, which is no piece of cake.” So while the Pisces has probably had their wedding planned and their kids’ names picked since the third grade, they have some pretty high expectations about who is going to share in that fantasy. But, no challenge a little self-promotion can’t conquer.

Opening line: "Call me Dom Cobb, because the next thing I’m sliding into is your dreams."

Added perk of likening yourself to Leonardo DiCaprio.

And there you have it! An absolutely foolproof guide to never finding yourself alone again. Who says love isn't a science?