There are inevitable expectations that come with nearing the end of something good. I feel it at the end of my vacation when I cram to fit all the sights I didn’t see into a single day. I feel it when summer is nearing its end, and I obsess over improving my tan with the sun’s last drops. There has been a lingering pressure in the air all year: the final year — it has to be the best year. I looked at this with positivity in semester one. I adopted a “say ‘yes’ attitude” and stepped out of my comfort zone. I went to parties I wouldn’t usually go to and hung around new groups of people. I pushed myself and was rewarded for it with fun nights and new friends. Ever since returning from winter break, however, this pressure has reached new heights. I constantly feel like I’m not doing enough, like I’m not having enough fun or going to the right events or “taking advantage” of my final year. I am in a state of comparison, watching what others are doing and resenting my not-doing of the same things. I’m almost taunting myself with the fact that it’s my last semester. I hear it in my mind, “you should be doing that,” “you might not have another opportunity like this for a while.”
This feeling is attached to a younger, less confident version of myself. I felt this type of “FOMO” (for lack of a better word) in my high school days. It was accompanied by a pressure to conform and no awareness of who I was. While the latter feelings have faded, the pressure of senior-hood has caused the FOMO to sneak back in. I’ve been tackling it the only was there is: by focussing inward. I’m looking around at the memories I’ve made, at the people I love, at the beautiful life I’ve created in Kingston. I’m practicing gratitude for all that I have and all that I’ve made in this place. And when I look forward, I try to quiet the demands I’ve set for myself. There is nothing I have to do before I graduate except enjoy the people I love and pass my classes. My experience here has already been better than I could have hoped. There is nothing left to prove.
The reality is that senior year is amazing, but it is also hard. Academically we are being challenged, many people are taking on senior roles in their extracurricular endeavours, and we are faced with the nauseating question of life after graduation. For me, this has been an emotionally turbulent time, to say the least. I feel an internal conflict: I want to do everything, but I also only have so much time. I want to be responsible and plan for my life next year, but I also want to be carefree and reckless. I want to enjoy the company of those around me, but I also want to harness my independence. With the final chapter lingering on the horizon, I’m trying to let these complicated feelings co-exist. Being in your twenties is nothing if not living with that coexistence. I will take my final semester to be everything I am, all at once; messy and responsible and social and independent and academic and reckless. Most importantly, I will be free. Free to feel it all.