Trigger Warning: Domestic abuse, rape, abusive relationsDisclaimer: the subject in the photo is not being abused nor is the photo meant to glamorize abuse in any way, photo credit is to Willow David
A couple of weeks ago, I told the world my story about my abusive relationship. It was a terrifying and liberating experience all at once. While I was concerned about the repercussions about exposing such an intimate part of my life, my main thought was: if my story can help just one girl, I will feel like I have done something right. Another reason that I wanted to share my story was so that the world could know that I saved myself and found new love. Publishing that article was made a lot easier with the support of the girls at Her Campus, my encouraging roommates and my loving boyfriend. Thank you, world, for being so accepting of my dark past.
Relationships—whether you’re straight, lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, transsexual or queer—can be amazing, exciting and certainly life changing. But when you’re with someone who mistreats you, the outcome can be catastrophic: from verbal abuse to beatings to rape to forced pregnancy or abortion, to sometimes murder or suicide. Unfortunately, not enough people, especially females, are aware of these things.
In the article a couple weeks ago, I mentioned several behaviors that were unhealthy and raised red flags in my relationship. What I want to accomplish with this article is to tell you all of the possible warnings signs of an abusive relationship in hopes that you (if your relationship is unhealthy) can recognize them and seek help for yourself.
Control
This is probably the first sign to occur in a relationship that may suggest that it is turning sour. Here are the following signs of control to look for: asking to see your text messages, asking for passwords to sites like Facebook or Twitter, or viewing your recent calls. These are all early indicators that your partner is jealous and overly protective. A little jealousy in a relationship is healthy and can be cute (can be), however, these behaviors are mini red flags. Other severe forms of control include telling you what to wear (how short, how low-cut, how sheer) or telling you to stop talking to someone, especially someone of the opposite sex.
Verbal Abuse
Verbal abuse includes name calling, especially when you are arguing, swearing or using vulgar language directed at you, threatening to break up with you or threatening to commit suicide, yelling or screaming, or making negative comments about the way you look, dress or behave. At first, these may be rare occurrences that are followed shortly after with an apology and a promise to never do it again. Unfortunately, though, these behaviors may increase and eventually escalate to physical or sexual abuse, which will be covered later in the article.
Dishonesty
Your partner may demand honesty from you and monitor every aspect of your life that does not involve him, however that same honesty may not be reciprocated. He may not tell you the entire truth, keep things from you and deny something if you ask him directly. This dishonesty could include him cheating on you, lying about where he is spending his time and lying about his extracurricular activities such as smoking, drug use and alcohol use.
Possessiveness and Jealousy
Behaviors of jealousy and possessiveness include demanding an instant response to a text, becoming protective when other people talk to you (especially those of the opposite sex), fear of you breaking up with them and manipulation.
Manipulation covers the areas of threatening to commit suicide if you were to break up with them. This is a psychological hold that your abusive partner will use in order to keep you in their life. Following this, you feel overwhelming guilt and reconsider leaving them because you know you would blame yourself if something were to happen to them.
Isolation
When you begin dating someone, it is normal that the time you spend with your friends lessens, especially at first during the honeymoon stage. But it is important that you do not lose your friends entirely. With an abusive relationship, your partner will begin to isolate you from your social life and family life. They will do this by acting very needy for your attention and this will take up most of your time so that you cannot go see your friends. Also, they will think of reasons to turn you against your friends so that you pull away from them even more. In advanced abusive relationships, isolation can go as far as to move you out of the city or province, away from your family and friends in order to get you alone.
Sexual Abuse
Sexual abuse or rape is when any sexual act occurs without consent. Your partner may perform sexual acts with you or to you without you wanting it. Further, they may pressure you or guilt you into doing sexual things with them that you are not ready for. At first, they may tell you that they are ready to wait and will not pressure you. But as time wears on, they will become frustrated and impatient, and then begin demanding and pressuring you to do things you are not comfortable with. It is also considered rape in any type of relationship whether you are dating, married or single, if they force themselves upon you and you do not want this.
Physical Abuse
At first, any physical abuse can include threatening to do something, threatening to hurt you and then escalating to grabbing and shoving. One common act of physical abuse is punching the wall beside your face. At this phase, you may try to convince yourself that if he really wanted to hit you, he would. Unfortunately, that’s untrue because he will eventually hit you instead of the wall. Other abuse includes kicking, pushing (down the stairs, perhaps), choking and throwing things at you.
Apologetic Phase
With abusive relationships and domestic violence, there is generally a cycle or a pattern that it follows. One of those phases is the apologetic phase. An incident may occur, such as severe jealousy, threatening or even physical abuse, and once your partner calms down, say the next day, he begins to apologize. He says he is sorry, he says it will not happen again and he tells you that what you did made him so angry or upset that he had no other choice. This segues into making you feel guilty or responsible for what you did, and you begin to blame yourself.
In my grade ten religion class, my teacher showed the class a poem called I Got Flowers Today. It is a poem about abuse, the cycle of it and how it gradually worsens as time goes on:
I Got Flowers Today by Paulette Brown
I got flowers today.It wasn’t my birthday or any other special day.We had our first argument last night,And he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt me.I know he is sorry and didn’t mean the things he said.Because he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today.It wasn’t our anniversary or any other special day.Last night, he threw me into a wall and started to choke me.It seemed like a nightmare.I couldn’t believe it was real.I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over.I know he must be sorry.Because he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today,And it wasn’t Mother’s Day or any other special day.Last night, he beat me up again.And it was much worse than all the other times.If I leave him, what will I do?How will I take care of my kids?What about money?I’m afraid of him and scared to leave.But I know he must be sorry.Because he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today.Today was a very special day.It was the day of my funeral.Last night, he finally killed me.He beat me to death.If only I had gathered enough courage and strength to leave him,I would not have gotten flowers today.
If you are experiencing any sort of abuse in a relationship or you see any of these signs in your own life or someone you know, I encourage you to seek professional help. There are thousands of help lines and counsellors that are specialized to deal with domestic violence.
Here is a list of resources that are available at Queen’s University and in Kingston:
Student Counselling Service – Free and confidential support613-533-2893
Human Rights Office – Confidential advice and assistance613-533-6886
Campus Security613-533-6111
Sexual Assault Crisis Center – 24 hour crisis line613-544-6424
Queen’s Kingston Lesbian Gay Bisexual Trans-Identified Association613-533-2960
Kingston Community Counselling Centre Women’s Program613-549-7850
Kingston Interval House – Women’s shelter open 24 hours613-546-1777
Telephone Aid Line Kingston (TALK)613-544-1771
Here is a list of books for further reading that I highly recommend:Crazy Love by Leslie Morgan SteinerStop Signs: Recognizing, Avoiding and Escaping Abusive Relationships by Lynn FairweatherIt’s My Life Now: Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship or Domestic Violence by Meg Kennedy Dugan and Roger R. HockWhen Love Hurts: A Woman’s Guide to Understanding Abuse in Relationships by Jill Cory and Karen Mcandless-DavisThe Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to Respond by Patricia EvansSaving Beauty From the Beast: How to Protect your Daughter from an Unhealthy Relationship by Ellen Zelda Kessner and Vicki Crompton