BREAKING NEWS: It is, in fact, physically possible to have sex with someone after talking to them. Science is getting close. They’ve discovered that you can ACTUALLY converse with someone and discover information about them BEFORE having sex. Now, now, calm down folks. I know this might sound like some of your old, classic tom-foolery, but there is proof. Last Saturday, Stacy, 22, brown eyes, 5’8, was giving tinder the old slap and tickle, swiping left right and center, when all of a sudden she noticed an intriguing message. A wild Chad appears! Chad, 22, ashy elbows, 6’1, messages her, asking if she would like to grab a cup of joe at the local student coffee shop. Stacy thinks to herself, looks down at the “live, laugh, love” tattoo on her wrist, and responds: yes. Chad and Stacy meet, speak of many in depth topics, such as how they wish they could be lucky enough to own seasons passes to Stages, and how many goose jackets they may need in order to survive the winter. Stacy and Chad discover tons about each other. The next day, Stacy and Chad have steamy, hot sex! Stacy and Chad had a fun night. The End.
But what?? You ask, how could that be it?! They had human connection! They ACTUALLY spoke to each other! Did Stacy not catch feelings after one simple conversation and coffee!? The answer is: fuck no.
HERE IS THE PROBLEM WITH OUR SEX LIVES IN THIS CURRENT DAY AND AGE.
We have become so engulfed in hookup culture that we believe actually connecting with another human being means you must date them, or you must be in love. We have tried so hard to numb ourselves from connection in order to avoid serious relationships so we can have better casual sex, yet we are in turn, creating worse sex for ourselves. Let me explain:
Sex is better with a connection. Now don’t get caught up in that sentence. I am not preaching for abstinence, or no sex until marriage! Or no sex ever! Or only sex when in a relationship! I am preaching for sex after actual conversation. Sex should be fun. With continuous talk of consent and the rise of sexual assault cases, the topic of sex is becoming more and more serious. I entirely agree that these are serious issues. I am not down-playing what is so horrid. Speaking of what we should stop doing is beneficial. But, I also believe that we should speak of the things we should do more of, sexually. The topic has become so serious and as a society we are forgetting that at the core, sex is meant to be fun. Sex, doing the deed, the horizontal hula, hittin’ the skins, bumping uglies. Sex is pleasure. The issue with our current college sex culture is that we are constantly doing it and not even truly enjoying ourselves. This is because both parties are continuously having sex for their own personal pleasure. Which is in no way a bad thing, but can be 100% better if both parties had sex not only to get pleasure, but to give it.
I have drawn a beautiful diagram to depict this.
Exhibit A: A random couple stumbles out of Stages together, not even knowing each other’s names. Kelly and David. Having the sexy.
In exhibit A, the pleasure involved earns about a 5/10 rating. This is because there is a lack of many things that make sex naturally good. There is no sexual tension between the couple beforehand. An immense lack of foreplay. Because the couple has hardly communicated they have no idea what they actually like in bed. Probably uncomfortable, due to the fact that they don’t remember each other’s names. But the thing that I want to stress most are the arrows I’ve drawn. Each person’s arrows point at themselves. They are doing sex simply for themselves, so they most likely aren’t being overtly generous in bed, because let’s be honest, they don’t care. But, if neither of them are being generous, then no one is actually having a great time. Kelly has decided to have sex with someone that doesn’t even care if she has pleasure. David is having sex with someone that doesn’t even care if he has pleasure. It’s as if both parties are settling for mediocre, or less than mediocre sex, because it seems to be embedded in our hookup culture, and it helps them avoid “catching feelings.” There is nothing obscenely wrong with hooking up but more so, just the way we are doing it: because it isn’t giving us ultimate gratification.
Exhibit B: Our hookup-of-the-year, Chad and Stacy.
In exhibit B, the pleasure level is at a 10/10. Stacy and Chad have had sexual tension build up over the last two days, had foreplay, and a hot and flirtatious conversation about what they liked in bed, and because of that conversation, did those things. The arrows drawn on Chad and Stacy’s diagram are different. The arrows face themselves, as they seek pleasure for themselves, but also point at the person they plan to have sex with. This, logically, brings them to a better sexual experience, as not only are they having sex for their own intrinsic pleasure, but for the pleasure of each other. Chad and Stacy, prior to sex, knew information about each other and had a chance to experience the other human’s personality. By doing this, they have developed a relationship. Neither of them are required to see each other again. Neither of them want a monogamous relationship. Stacy hasn’t developed “feelings” for Chad. Chad and Stacy simply had a sexual experience with each other that was actually worth having.
Essentially, shitty sex has become a norm. If sex was supposed to be shitty, then why are there so many amazing classic rock songs written about them? We are at the center of our youth. We should be having some Bruce Springsteen “Spirit In the Night” kind of adventures. I want to go to greasy lake, and make love in the dirt, as Hazy Davey runs into the water in his socks and his shirt. I want some Paradise by the Dashboard Light, Lovin’ Touchin’, and Squeezin’. When I grow old I want to tell stories to my 20 year old niece of the spur-of-the-moment night with Kevin in the tent in Kelowna or streaking in Kingston, I want stories to tell. I think there is nothing wrong with exploring one’s sexuality. I think there is nothing wrong with experiencing. I just think we should be doing it more adventurously, spontaneously, and creatively than simply stumbling out of Stages.