As university comes to an end, the time I once enjoyed spending with friends is now spent playing a game of mental gymnastics. Every time I find myself having a good time, I begin to mentally torture myself, trying to exist in the moment while balancing thoughts of how badly I am going to want to be back here in the future. How am I supposed to soak up every last minute when I’m putting so much pressure on myself to enjoy every last minute?
This struggle to exist happily in the moment has been ever-present for me. I exist in a constant state of aching nostalgia, whether I’m looking through pictures of myself on exchange last year, watching home videos, reflecting on high school, or thinking of my 8th birthday party, I tend to over romanticize the past, looking through rose-coloured glasses that distorts each and every second. Yet where I am now, in this precious last month of university, I find it especially difficult to cope with moving forward and existing happily. A lot of my yearning for the past comes from a place of not wanting to grow up; of not having to make big decisions for myself (with actual consequences), of not wanting to lose my childlike spark, and of not wanting to one day wake up and realize I am a full-blown adult and not a little girl with lots of dreams and an over-encompassing sense of optimism.
Graduating from university seems to be my biggest milestone yet. Watching everyone around me, who I’ve known for my whole entire life, start to become actual functioning people is truly so weird (and exhilarating) to watch. We have all been placed in this tiny university town of Kingston, fenced in the safety of our student houses, and left to role-play as adults for 4 years. Indeed, nothing about living off of Mac and Cheese in a home you share with your best friends screams actual adulthood. What are we supposed to do now? Move back home? Get a job for life and fall right into our 9-5s? Not watch TV shows together as a house while scramming to complete assignments?
The truth is, I know my brain is lying to me as it tells me nothing will ever be as good as right now. I have had this same thought a million times, and am so thrilled to say that I’ve been proven wrong more times than I can count. There is so much ahead of us, we just don’t know what it is yet, and that’s the scary part. I think that for our entire lives, we have been told what our next big and fun milestone will be, whether it’s getting a driver’s licence, starting high school, or being told how fun it is to live life side-by-side with your best friends at college. Yet after graduating, the pathway for what comes next starts to look different. There is no one there to tell us what the next amazing chapter of life is. But just because the future is an unknown does not mean that it’s only getting worse from here. Things may be different, but this does not mean they will be bad.
So, I think I just have to accept that I can’t slow down time. I don’t have any magical tips for how to stay present without torturing yourself, but I do think it’s helpful to remember that you have felt like this before. You may not want to say goodbye, but it’s important to remember that you could be pleasantly surprised by the future. So, try to enjoy your time in the present—future you wants to look back and see the incredible memories made. Don’t let the nostalgia start now.