Let me start by saying that I am no relationship guru. I have a profound love for romantic comedies, The Bachelor, and the poetry of Pablo Neruda. I am, by definition, the single friend. Not only am I the single friend, I am also the queen of the ‘non-relationship’, that weird and awkward state where one is always forced to question the state of your (probably) non-existing relationship. Four years of navigating the gray zone has resulted in numerous questions and only one conclusion: breaking up is hard to do, regardless of whether or not you’ve actually DTR’ed (Defined The Relationship).
Over these last few years, I’ve truly learned to embrace the ambiguity of modern relationships. I mean…I get it. People are still falling in love in hopeless places. I’m just not one of them. I’m not bitter. I’m just confused. Here’s the thing. I’m totally okay with wading through the dating pool. What I’m not so cool with is going through the same break-up shtick I’ve had since high school before I can even chicken out of asking, “Hey, what’s going on here? What are we doing?” It makes me question my sanity as I type it but hear me out. It sucks to get dumped by someone you’re not even dating. It happens, I swear.
Let me paint you a scenario. Meet John. John is the cute guy on your intramural dodgeball team. Over the course of the next few weeks, you and John will engage in light flirtation off the court until lo and behold, you are now texting buddies. And wait! Facebook friends? This relationship just keeps escalating! All of a sudden, you are inseparable. If you’re not texting, it’s Facebook, and even then you’ll always have Snapchat. One day, maybe out of the blue, you’ll both admit to even having the slightest of feelings. Suddenly he’s at your place all the time. You’re cooking together. A day doesn’t pass where John does not fit into your daily routine. Until he isn’t.
Here is where the true ‘pain’ begins. You weren’t in a relationship. You will tell yourself you don’t deserve to feel this ‘loss’; it isn’t justified. You’ll convince yourself that it’s your ‘irrational-girl-mind’ as if you’ve been programmed to believe that you overanalyzed this non-relationship to begin with. Maybe it was all in your head. You’ll deny yourself the time to get over it, because what is there to get over in the first place? What you’ll slowly realize over the next few weeks and with the help your squad is that maybe, unintentionally (or intentionally; people suck), you’ve been dumped. So, what happens? You’ll buy yourself some ice cream and watch Scandal on repeat and so on and so forth.
And maybe that’s not to say that you didn’t enjoy the lack of a label. Let’s face it. Sometimes not having to DTR takes off a lot of the pressure and makes it easier to interact with someone. Maybe you were just as much in denial about your non-relationship as John was. Pragmatically speaking, this non-relationship can’t truly be sustainable. Maybe deep inside you’re already prepping for a ‘break-up’ that you know might be inevitable. Even worse, you might be fantasizing about a ‘possible’ relationship that ends up with you as the other half of a power couple parenting an English bulldog named Coco.
Break-ups happen, I know. However, it’s emotionally and physically exhausting to put yourself through the gray zone time and time again for someone who doesn’t have the time to sit you down and clarify the actual state of your (non)relationship. That is to say, it’s not like everyone is looking to be in a serious relationship, but if you’re going to blur the lines of our arrangement, let’s at least sit-down and draw them out clearly so that there’s no misunderstanding.
But hey, I can’t stop break-ups from happening so I guess it’s all about making the best of a bad situation. Let yourself feel what you need to feel and move on whenever you’re ready. In the meantime, I heard Ben and Jerry’s just realized a few new flavours…so there’s always that.