There are traditionally five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. There’s a common misconception that once acceptance has been reached, the loss is no longer felt and the individual has moved on. Grief, however, is not universal in its effect on people. Grief ebbs and flows with the individual and is therefore a continuous journey that can’t be confined to a five-step ladder. What happens after we accept the loss of someone? Life does not continue as it did before, and the effects of the tragedy continue to carry on through intimate aspects of our lives.
Dating is a symbol of a new chapter. After the loss of a loved one, it is difficult to comprehend life without that person. Through dating, we seek comfort in interacting with people who embody the characteristics of the person we lost. Whether we have lost an intimate partner, a friend, or a parental figure, these people can help heal our loss with their presence. It is therefore normal, when looking for romantic partners, to seek out a person who resembles the humour, character and values of the person we lost.
In no way is being drawn to characteristics that mirror those of our late loved ones an attempt to replace the people that we have lost. Rather than this being a misconception, it is something that may be felt by the person experiencing the grief. No single individual can replace our late loved one, but finding new relationships as a means of feeling connected to that person is encouraging in recovery. Finding someone who reminds us of the person we lost is not an attempt to “fill the void”. We are not disrespecting the person we lost. We are not forgetting the person we lost. And we are not replacing the person we lost. Instead, we are demonstrating the value that our loved one continues to represent in our lives, hence why we strive to encapsulate their presence as we create new relationships.
Grief is not universal in its effect on people, yet it is natural to strive to find people who embody the people we have lost. What happens after the five traditional stages of grief? We have accepted the loss, but there is still a void from a person that filled our lives with love. Finding the qualities of the person we lost in someone else is not an attempt to replace them but rather an ode to the love we felt for that person and the qualities they embodied. This is important to keep in mind when we look for relationships after experiencing the five – or maybe six – stages of grief.