Over the Christmas holidays, I had a sudden coming-to. A moral panic about my internet persona. I had spent the past five months hyper-engaged on social media, sharing my every move as I roamed Europe on my Study Abroad program. Social media felt like a huge obligation, and because I love taking photos, and was taking lots of great ones, I felt social media was a mode of both communication and expression while I was out in the world. But, after that stint of dedicated oversharing, contributing to my Instagram account that proudly boasts over a thousand Instagram posts from the past half-decade of my life, I realized it was time to draw the line. It was time to pull the plug on my social media persona. It was time for a break-up. I decided to quit right then and there, and I did. I deactivated my account and didn’t look back.
This social media break-up was by all means pre-meditated. Since my pre-teen years, I always had a complicated relationship with social media. I loved it – I loved the opportunity for creativity it offered me. But even then I knew it was a slippery slope. I knew that, as a very analytical person, I could easily become consumed with likes and followers without even realizing it. I would take short breaks and delete the app from my phone, but as soon as I was bored I would google Instagram in my browser, seeking a quick fix of the mindless action of scrolling. I worked hard last summer to break this addiction. I didn’t have time for social media anyways, between work, summer school, family, and whatever hint of a social life I could squeeze in. But every once in a while, the urge to scroll, to look back at the memories encapsulated in my old posts, and I’d be logged back in.
The true breakup began with Snapchat nearly two years ago. It gave me a level of FOMO, and sometimes anxiety, that no little ghost symbol ever should. It caused me to over-analyze my relationships of all sorts. I caught myself using private stories to lash out, release emotions, or take digs at others. I realized that using social media as an outlet was not the way to go when I could easily release those feelings through other, offline activities just as easily, and without the collateral of dramatic snaps I couldn’t make anybody un-see. On top of that, I felt obligated to connect with a certain set of people who found it urgent to keep a streak with me when I really didn’t care to engage in the dance of sending informationless snaps back and forth.
When I went on exchange, I more or less forced myself back onto the scene of social media. I was known amongst my followers – who were mostly colleagues, friends, and family from different points in my life – as a micro-influencer of my own sort. Friends and acquaintances of myself and those close to me would comment on how I always seemed to be doing something “cool” on my social media, that my life seemed so fun and that my Instagram feed was “goals”. I texted one of my friends last week to catch up, and when we got talking about my exchange, she said “I literally follow your Instagram like a fan and forget that I know you”. I started to realize that even those closest to me inflicted a hint of pressure to perform on social media. I truly loved creating Instagram content. Especially when I travel, I carry at least two (but usually three) cameras with me – my iPhone camera, a digital camera I got when I was 15, and a film camera, for those moments I feel particularly creative or nostalgic. I recognized that I was more or less a puppet to my social media audience, but I justified my hyper-presence by telling myself that, if I was taking the photos anyway, I might as well share them.
Within this strange phenomenon of becoming well-known by people who had little connection to my “real” life because of an online profile, every once in a while somebody who hardly knew me, but knew those close to me, would have something to say about my life As Seen On Instagram. How was I always having these cool experiences? My parents must be rich because I always seem to be somewhere new, and that must be the only reason I have any of the experiences I do. While I didn’t care what these people had to say about me, my self-worth took a huge hit. I was offended that what I make of my life, and how I present myself online could be so easily twisted, chastised, or misinterpreted. I pride myself in my honesty, working hard for all I’ve become as an individual, and I became almost embarrassed at how my experiences had become manipulated through the vessel of social media. My forum for expression had become more or less a place of public scrutiny.
It didn’t take me long to realize that I didn’t approve of the girl I was letting myself be on the internet. I was tired of putting on a show, and I was tired of letting social media control, even motivate me. After taking a break and retreating into a much more private life for a bit, I couldn’t believe I was once so comfortable with letting so much of my personal life become a public commodity. I discovered that I was letting myself be commodified by others who I didn’t know or ever interact with, and for a long time, I found a lot of enjoyment and self-fulfillment in that. I realized that I couldn’t control how people perceived me and that I had no use in putting myself under the magnifying glass of scrutiny and judgement of my followers. Social media stopped fulfilling me, leaving me impossibly unfulfilled, and I knew it was time. No more. I feared I would miss the creative outlet Instagram provided, but knew that that one reason didn’t stand a chance against the millions I had to cut my ties with social media.
Like an ex, I learned that social media will drive you nothing short of crazy. When you’re bored, the thought of the chapter closed will haunt you, tempt you, and bring up old feelings of what was once a familiar space. You’re suddenly left out in new ways because you’re not there. But, as time passes, you regain your autonomy. You go back to your roots, rediscover a more authentic, even if slightly changed, version of yourself. Over time, you become something new. Like a breakup, your perception of things once familiar shifts- perhaps becomes suddenly unclouded. My social media breakup left me feeling all of these feelings, but above all, relieved.
Whenever I have experienced a breakup in the past, I leave the relationship with the attitude that I’m doing or going through what I need at the moment, and hope and expect that it will lead to other opportunities down the road, maybe even opening the door for either friendship or closure with my ex. I feel the same way about social media. I quite honestly hope I can resist the temptations it will present to me in the future as the world becomes increasingly digitally connected. But, perhaps someday I can make peace with my social media persona and redefine myself online to a representation of myself I can truly say I approve of. Maybe someday I’ll make peace with my online persona. But for now, it’s time to go our own ways.