Elle’s Theories about Life (Some Purdue Specific)

Deep thoughts with Elle this week. Kidding, these are nowhere near deep, but just a random selection of ideas and theories I have drawn conclusions to that I believe the female college population might find relatable, interesting, and entertaining. 

1. 3 words. Urban corset top. If you are the one in a million, minority population of college females that are clueless to those words, type it into the google search right now. If you are in Greek life and do not know what this is, well, honestly that is impressive. Congratulations, because it sounds like you joined alpha-diversity-kappa-unique style. Anyway, my theory about these iconic shirts is that every single girl looks perfect in them. Flawless, actually. It doesn’t matter if you have the body type of a string bean, small or tall, curvy, big boobed or small bootied little twig, this corset top looks good on everyone I have witnessed. I have yet to see a girl wear this clothing item and not look like an actual snack with a raging amount of confidence. Personally, I was extremely anti “the top” since I try my best  unique which is almost impossible when every female is cute. since if it’s not in your closet, it is most definitely in your friend’s. Then, I pulled the trigger and bought one, and the amount of glam and self-esteem boost when I shimmy into that top is unmatched. Moral of the story, if you do not own the urban outfitters corset top, I guarantee one of your friends does and that will be on your body next weekend.

• Nobody actually likes beer. I stand so firmly by this. No induvial college aged specimen enjoys or desires the taste of beer. My theory here is that it is a group think mentality and specifically males want to exert their masculinity by drinking it. Conforming to the “bro” aesthetic takes over the mind and tricks some people into thinking we like it, when in reality it is a façade and adds to the character appeal of being a masculine “dude.” No male will admit to this, but some are actually internally aware they do not enjoy this drink, yet again, it comes down to not looking lame and immersing into the college guy norm.

• The reason Purdue’s grass is always so green is due to the immense number of tears of stress shed by students so it’s getting watered overtime… KIDDING. That was supposed to be funny. You can laugh, or not. Moving on.

• There are certain people who are just not real. They are quite literally walking, living, breathing humans on earth, but for some reason they are just not real. Something about them is so amusing regarding their personality, character, or way they are as an individual in society that just causes me to think there is no way that this person is actually real. OR the males/females that you match with on a dating app and then transfer the conversation to snapchat or another mode of communication… yeah, those names on your phone, they are not real. They are background characters in your story.

• Frat boys at Purdue only exist in three places on campus. For real though, I have yet to see a fraternity male at Purdue anywhere besides their house, the Co Rec, and WALC. I absolutely refuse to believe that their existence extends beyond those places. Thinking realistically, they bum out together, party, eat, and sleep all at their respective trashed homes. They are avid workout scary gym bros and religiously schedule in the pump time. And for some strange reason I swear the surrounding area of WALC as well as the entirety of the building itself is the only place that frat men do their homework. Take note, I very much stereotyped all frat men in the past few sentences, but there is no way that these humans utilize any other portion of campus. They are irreverent nonexistent human beings besides those three landmarks.

• The population of people who promote and uphold sleeping with socks slander are actually just jealous of their inability to sleep comfortably with socks. It is a luxury to have the ability to sleep comfortably with my toes in a blanket, and most people just get too hot. Since that really sucks for them, I believe that they hate on sock sleepers out of  pure jealousy.

• The basement of the Co Rec at Purdue is a legit jungle. I kid you not, the primal sensations felt down there are big time present. Any habitual non-domesticated animal of the Co Rec will be the first to tell you “Don’t worry everyone is just doing their own thing and nobody is watching you.” Lies. A few weeks ago, I took it upon myself to self-inflict pure terror as I invited myself to workout with my male friend. The entire 60 minutes of venturing through the jungle, climbing the weights, and hiking through the machines brought on severe discomfort. But really, your feet step onto the ground level and I am convinced life takes on a whole other animalistic form down there. Everyone is checking everyone out (which okay, fine, makes sense, but the stares are aggressive). There is so much noise, yet also none at all. The mixture of grunting and huffing, the background 2000s music being played overhead, whatever is blasting in everyone’s air pods, the internal motivation scream thoughts and sexual tension pains provide a loud silence, as a real jungle might. It’s like I was being prayed on while simultaneously having to fend for myself, exert my small but of physical strength I have, and navigate the map of the jungle.   

• If men could menstruate, everyday would become an alpha blood fest. Unfortunately, with how unequal our binary female and male genders are (no matter how much you may think that we are equal, we are so very not) society shames being open about bleeding every month to women. We are supposed to be clean and pruned and happy. Always. That is a bunch of BS. Anyway, where the extra super tampons and pads are something to be embarrassed about, if men had periods, it would be a competition and a bragging right to wear the biggest form of period protection. I guarantee it. The more blood, the more right to rage and aggression outbursts, and the more alpha dominant persona one could take on.

•  Life characters in your story. If you don’t have a straight douchey male friend named either Luke, Ryan, or Jack, you are lying about your age and were most definitely not born anywhere around 2003. I can almost 100% guarantee that everyone knows one of these guys. Luke, Ryan and/or Jack are prominent characters and provide plot for you story. They your funny male friend, and honestly a good person on the down low, but a true idiotic douchebag. No way it is possible to be a current college student and not have one of them in your life. 

1. Every single specimen in Greek life is intertwined. It’s one big story of all the Greek gods who are all related and get with each other, but also have a mix of hate and love for one another. Everybody knows everybody through some strange, twisted connection. Your BGR buddy’s roommate knows your friend in Theta whose older brother is your current TA and also the president of the frat you have become a rat to and saw your morning walk of shame on Saturday. You know, something along those lines is how every single conversation goes when a member of the Greek life cult meets another member. I do not know how this happens, but it’s a family. Once you join, maybe you’ve got a different last name, but you are instantly related to the entire population. Something culty definitely goes down when you are initiated.

That is all from me. Maybe this was entertaining, maybe you somewhat related, maybe you had an awe-hah moment and agree with me, or maybe you think I am a psycho. I stand by my theories no matter how controversial they are and continue to live laugh love and vibe my way through college.

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