TW: Topics discussed in this article may be upsetting or difficult for some to read. Please read at your own discretion keeping your safety and health in mind.
Originally, I had planned to write about three amazing vegan recipes that I tried in Veganuary. I had them written out and everything. Then, yesterday happened and I decided to write about it, because I think being honest helps me to let go of some of that pain. I have been managing my mental illnesses for nearly six years (with the help of my therapist). Six years of good months, weeks, or days and six years of bad months, weeks, or days. Until recently, I had always referred to what I was dealing with as a “mental problem.” It is still hard for me to admit to even myself that I am mentally ill. I think deep down I was calling it “a problem”, with the hope that one day I would find a solution to it all, that it would finally stop and I could exhale. The truth is these things don’t just go away. I’ve spent years chasing answers, disappointed when I start to feel it all again. It’s like taking two steps forward and then three steps back. As a result, I feel empty and very hopeless. My head is consumed with thought and emotion, not for a moment going quiet. It exhausts me; I am constantly overcome with extreme emotions or obsessive behavior that drain me of my ability to do so much. By the end of my day, I find that even speaking can be too hard. I am unable to move from my bed. I barely brush my teeth at night. Some days I can’t even make it out of my bed. I am surrounded by people, yet I feel so alone because I tend to live in my head. I often, even now, feel shame and embarrassment because I feel like I am different, therefore crazy. I know shouldn’t be embarrassed, that for me life is different and the way I live, as a result, is different. Despite it all, I know that I am becoming a woman I am very proud of. Yet, like the next person, I am not perfect. So, in honor of all the “day in my life” videos and posts, here is my very real day in the life:
Yesterday was built up from the previous 4 days. I felt myself becoming increasingly emotional and tense. Weekends are hard for me. I feel I am often pretending to make those around me happy, because I fear criticism from those close to me. This leaves me feeling drained and depressed, as I feel I have no sense of self or identity. So, on Tuesday morning, I woke up at my usual 4:20 in the morning, went to the gym from 5 to 7 and I came home. When I got in the shower, I felt like I had a weight had fallen on my chest. My mind was flooding with negative thoughts and I began to cry. I finally got out and didn’t have the energy to put clothes on, so from 8am till 12pm, I laid in my bed in my robe and continued to cry as I played music on my TV so that no one would hear.
I had no assignments due that night, and the things I wanted to do weren’t due till the end of the week. So, I accepted my current condition and tried to be patient with myself. For lunch, I had a protein bar, random fruit, and some tofu. I laid in bed and ate it, crying, because I didn’t want to.
After my lunch, I logged onto a zoom class and quite honestly, I have no idea what happened. I am extremely proud, because I was able to put on sweatshirt and sweatpants and I walked and went to class at 3:00. I may have looked tired, but the fact I went feeling how I did, knowing how hard it was, I would consider it to be a massive accomplishment.
I came home and got back into bed while listening to my favorite songs and trying hard to not let worry of failure in doing nothing today upset me. I then baked my favorite squash and covered it in tahini and ate it. After dinner, you could guess, I went back to bed. My friend called me. I didn’t have the energy to talk, so I listened as he went on about his day and random things. It was nice to listen and distract myself from how I was feeling. I considered doing homework, but the book I needed to answer the response question was on the other side of my room, so instead I fell asleep at 8:30 while watching Gilmore Girls.
However, today, I had fun at the gym. I was able to clean up my room after yesterday. I made a good lunch. I brushed my hair. I did my homework, took notes in all my classes, and am now at the library doing more work. Those little accomplishments are so important. We all have bad days and I’m saying this for myself as much as I am for anyone else, but you are not your bad days, weeks, months or even years. I am the work I put in to better my mind and my body in every way I can. I am the person who was able to accomplish all those little things today despite it all. It is how you learn, grow, and pick up the pieces. I get frustrated with myself too, but I keep going because I deserve it. I have come so far to give up on myself now.