We have all heard time and time again that relationships are hard work. We are told that relationships require compromise, perseverance, grit and determination — much like clocking into a shift at the office.
Although I could see the truth in some of this, it simply has not been my experience. Five years into my relationship and a year into living with my boyfriend, I haven’t experienced a single day where it felt like “work” to maintain our relationship.
I know happy, thriving couples who have been together for twenty, thirty, and in one case, over seventy years. Those couples will tell you their relationships never felt like work.
Of course, they had fights, and sometimes they had to compromise, but there was never a time when it felt like a chore to be in a relationship.
I have met other couples who have been together for over thirty years who will share the advice that “marriage is hard” and “it takes work to make it work.” Unfortunately, there is no gentle way to put it: I think those people married the wrong person.
“Relationships are hard,” they say. I disagree.
I think that life is hard, but your relationship should be making it easier. If your relationship feels like it is making your life harder, then you’re probably with the wrong person.
There are life events that will undoubtedly put a strain on your relationship. Moving in with someone else and compromising your privacy, decoration choices and space can be hard. But the excitement of spending time at home with your favorite person should balance that difficulty and make the process easier.
Losing a job is hard, but your partner should be the one who makes you feel loved and supported. They should help you get back up on your feet again.
Losing a family member is hard, but your partner should be the person comforting you through your grief and making sure you take care of yourself.
Day-to-day tasks are time-consuming. Your partner should be the person in your life who could even make doing the dishes or laundry fun.
Don’t get me wrong, I do believe a relationship takes work. But the relationship itself should not feel like work.
On days that I am gone from 7 a.m. to 9 p.m., my boyfriend often cleans the entire apartment, does the dishes and makes dinner so I can relax with him when I get home. This thought and effort is work on his part, and his only reward from that effort is my happiness.
There is work that you will put into your relationship to make sure your partner knows how much you care about them: presents on birthdays, post-it notes in lunchboxes on hard days, “good morning” texts and making their favorite dinner as a surprise.
However, I wholeheartedly believe that these efforts should be fueled by excitement, joy and a love of putting a smile on your favorite person’s face. If this extra “work” feels like an obligation, it may be time to consider how strong your feelings are for your partner.
Life won’t always be easy, but your relationship should be. Even when outside events make everything feel wrong, your relationship should be your safe space.
This does not mean you won’t have tough conversations. Having a strong relationship demands tough conversations.
But these conversations should be open and honest. They shouldn’t feel like a screaming match.
“Work” describes something transactional. A relationship shouldn’t be transactional.
Not everything is going to be 50/50. Some days, it will be 70/30, and others will be 90/10.
However, the kind of work and effort you put into your relationship should be the same kind of work and effort you pour into your hobby or your favorite class, not the part-time job you hate. It should be work that you are passionate about and fulfills you.
It will not always be easy. But like an artist painting a masterpiece, your relationship should be a passion project.
Your partner should be your best friend, and your relationship should be your safe space. It should be the place you go to vent, cry, laugh, relax and find peace, not the thing you vent and cry about.
I believe that when you find your person, they will make everything feel a little easier. They make life easier.
Finding peace in your relationship should not be an impossible challenge. Impossible challenges should feel possible with the right partner by your side.
We have normalized unhappy relationships and marriages far too much in our society. We see them all over popular media, and we have normalized the idea of the couple that “works to make it work” and “perseveres” through years of fights.
It doesn’t have to be like that.
Loving your partner should be the easiest, most natural part of your life. Not the hardest. Spending time with your partner should not feel like clocking into a shift.
Life is hard. Your relationship shouldn’t be.
