This past weekend, having nothing better to do since we’re living through a historical event, I spent my time indoors.
What did I do? After scrolling through most of HBO, Netflix, Hulu, and YouTube and finding nothing of interest, I wandered over to Disney+ and found the entire collection of Star Wars movies.
As a disclaimer, I must say that I am no expert in Star Wars, and wouldn’t even call myself a fan. I enjoy the movies, and aside from the last three recently released, I hadn’t watched a Star Wars movie since I was a little kid.
Because of the time lapse between my last viewing, I decided to spend the whole weekend watching all of them — what else am I gonna do, right?
I found that there was a definite ranking in quality of storyline, acting, and CGI throughout the movies as well.
So, here is my ranking of worst to best Star Wars movies.
- Episode 1: The Phantom Menace
This was the worst thing I’ve ever seen.
Why? Some wretched, eldritch beast called Jar Jar Binks.
I have never despised a character, CGI or not, as much as Jar Jar Binks. I kept hoping that the scene where they fight droids in the field would be the end of Jar Jar Binks, but my suffering with him did not end there.
Between the insufferable ‘comedic relief’ — and I use the word comedic very loosely — because nothing about this character was remotely endearing, let alone funny. I hated this movie for his constant bungling of plans and interference for this reason alone.
- Episode 2: Attack of the Clones
I had a big issue with this movie, and it was the relationship between Padme and Anakin.
Didn’t she first meet this kid when he was, well, a kid? Why are they making googly eyes at each other and literally frolicking in a meadow together? It’s weird.
The acting wasn’t great, and the weird little grooming vibe I got from their relationship did not help.
- Episode 7: The Force Awakens
You wanna know something I find really annoying in movies?
When a special hero denies that they’re special or have any sort of role of responsibility. Rey constantly denies everyone and says, “I’m not a Jedi! Keep that lightsaber away from me!” got old really fast.
I mean, come on. Jedi have been missing for years and you find out you have some special destiny, and all you do is resist it? Lame.
Plus, Kylo Ren seemed pretty whiny and petulant, which was a total departure from Darth Vader.
- Episode 4: A New Hope
I know people are going to get mad that I don’t rank this higher, but it was short, the special effects were weaker than I remember (and before you protest, I know they were probably great for the late 70s, but that was then and this is now).
It just didn’t resonate with me as much as the other movies. It was overall just a good setup for the remainder of the original trilogy, alright?
- Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith
This may be controversial, but I liked this movie. Was it for superficial reasons, and do I think Anakin is hot? Yeah, but mind your business.
I liked this movie because my brother and I love to quote it and joke around; specifically the scene where Anakin is fighting Obi-Wan.
I still think that Padme and Anakin were a weird relationship considering she met him as a literal child, but it set up everything nicely for the original trilogy (Yes, I watched them ALL in order because I was dedicated).
- Episode 8: The Last Jedi
This movie was pretty good, albeit heartbreaking at certain parts.
The assault on Rebel forces in space was hard to watch, and seeing Luke Skywalker dissipate into the air was pretty sad — I loved watching him school Kylo Ren on the red salt moon beforehand, though.
I think that it was a good setup for the final showdown between Kylo Ren and Rey, and I thought that it was a big improvement from the first movie of the sequels.
- Episode 9: The Rise of Skywalker
I thought this movie had some really great moments that stood out to me — Kylo Ren turning to the good side, Lando Calrissian showing up at the last minute with heavy cavalry, and Palpatine getting smoked.
A criticism or two is warranted though. I wish they didn’t kill off Kylo Ren after he and Rey kissed, and I think the whole ‘Rey is a Palpatine’ concept completely undermined the message of the last few movies.
Even a so-called nobody, as Rey was, could be a hero and you didn’t need some powerful lineage just to accomplish that.
- Episode 5: The Empire Strikes Back
Obviously this movie would either be #2 or #1, what did you expect?
The scene where Luke finds out who his father is, has literally gone down as one of film history’s best plot twists.
The only reason I couldn’t rank it #1 was because I felt that the story was unfinished, and that the #1 spot should go to the movie where it all came together.
- Episode 6: Return of the Jedi
This movie was goddamn great, okay?
I’m not a big fan of space-themed movies but this was the best movie in the series, for obvious reasons.
Luke finally told Leia they were related (thank god, no more sibling kissing), Leia and Han Solo finally could be together, Palpatine was destroyed (for the time being) and Anakin got his redemption.
What more could a quarantined girl ask for?